the loud reminder

Our little Coconut is now a little over 2 years old. Rambunctious, funny, vibrant, and LOUD...

He did this the other day (kinda loud video alert) :

I IMMEDIATELY connected it to this (louder video than the previous one):

The connection was more sweet than bitter... for which I am thankful.

We rejoice in the brown haired, asian eyed, big noggin bundle of personality and joy that is Ian!

But as each month draws us closer to Ian's 3rd birthday, I know we will think more and more about his similarities and differences to Christian at 3 years old.

Each passing stage and milestone is a crazy mixed up reminder of the blonde boy that graced our home and forever impressed our hearts... the gift of remembering fondly and the pain of saying goodbye to those moments all over again.

Grief is complicated like that.

yo, it's my birthday

Today I am 37.

Whether that is really old or really young depends on my mood and how my day is going.

Easy day = young

Rough day = old

It is 1:00 AM here and I am feeling OLD at this moment.

Noah was the first to bring him up. He was the first to say that he missed Christian.

We can't help but think of Christian when there is a major celebration or family moment to be marked.  We can't help but think of Christian when the hour grows late and our bodies are tired.  We can't help but think of Christian when we look at Ian's face or kiss his chubby chipmunk cheeks.

Holding Ian and hearing his baby coos fills my weary heart with smiles and unexpected joy.  How can I be both sad and happy? Empty and full? Weary and hopeful?

When I think of God's promises, I am reminded that He does not promise us that we will not have trouble and sorrow in this life. But He does promise to be with us and bring us through the trial without being consumed.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
-Isaiah 43:2

We grieved for almost 3 years before God gave us the hope of Ian.  Three years of grief not brightened by the hope of this child that might not have been had his big brother not passed away.

But he is here now.  And I am thankful.

I am thankful for the gift of all my boys-- Austin, Noah, Christian and Ian.  I can't wait for all of us to be together for the first time.  Now that will be an occasion to celebrate!

passport

We applied for Ian's passport this week. It was a bit of a drawn out process as you first have to have the hospital birth certificate, then the official Guam birth certificate, apply for a social security card, and then finally apply for a passport. [Insert appropriate amount of island lag time in between.]

Want to see his mug shot?

{ I laugh every time I look at this shot! I wonder if he will hate it when he's older? }

Here on Guam, you don't go to the Post Office to apply for a passport. You go to the Department of Revenue and Taxation, which is a big warehouse of a cinder block building that houses all the government agencies that deal with money, tags, licenses, passports and who knows what else.

Oh Guam with your old school posterboard signs, you make me laugh... See them up there on the left wall? :)

The lighting is not the best. An eerie grayish green glow is cast on everything. Kind of scary, isn't it? Reminds me of those stupid zombie shows.

We should get little Coconut's passport in a month or so, just in time for our trip to the mainland in May (woohoooo!).

If you could travel to any place in the world, where would you go?

Bali is sounding really good to me right now.

psalm 3:3

I wake up in the middle of the night and peer closely at the video monitor, waiting to see that reassuring rise and fall of his chest. As my eyes adjust and focus, the first glimpse of baby breath makes me realize that I have been holding my breath in the waiting as well.

Thank you, Lord, for this child, this measure of joy so undeserved. Help me to not be fearful. Help me to trust you in every moment and with every treasure.

Hellooo, Ian!

Over three years of praying and hoping... and here you are!

Our gift from God.

January 13, 2012

6:45 pm

4 lbs 15 oz

17 inches long

We were surprised when you decided to join us 6 weeks early.

Two weeks in the NICU and your big brothers were only able to see you twice through the window.

When you finally came home, they couldn't wait to hold you and touch you and kiss you!

Halmonee and Grandpa flew halfway around the world to see you. I was so glad that you were able to come home before they had to leave to go back to their home!

Daddy can hold you for hours on end.

And he does.

Welcome to the world, little coconut!