They are just things. 6 years.

We packed away Christian's things rather quickly since he shared a room with Austin and Noah. I hated for them to open their closet door to grab a shirt and have to reach past his clothes. We put it all (except his jacket) in an orange bin (my color for him) and put it in another closet.  Clothes and pjs... school supply box... golf club... Pinewood Derby trophy... red Converse shoes... blue blankie...

It was hard.

Sometimes I would go to the closet and grab his blue blankie and tuck it under my pillow. I could cry on my pillow and reach my hand under and feel it... the same blankie he would hold and hug and drag around. I would smell it.. touch it.. and no one else had to know.

It has been almost 6 years since he last touched that blanket with his dimpled fingers. I still remember the smell of it and the feel of the worn fleece between my fingers... There is a small tear in it (scissors?) and a spot of green paint near the corner.

There are days of grief where you want to shout from the rooftops that it hurts! You want to hang a sign around your neck that proclaims I.AM.HURTING.TODAY.

Other days you want to be left alone to quietly sob and remember and just sit in that grief, fully feeling every corner of the empty that cannot be filled.

We have since moved to Guam and left Christian's things in the attic in Texas. I often have to remind myself that we are not leaving him, just things... just things that remind me of him, him who I will never forget.  I know I need to be okay leaving those things and I need to be okay if the whole house were to be destroyed. Some days it is easier to be okay than others.

For you newly grieving mamas that just don't know what to do with your child's room and things... take pictures. Take pictures of all of it... the clothes, the bed, the wall... If you aren't quite ready to make decisions about clothes and toys, even though it has been well over a year, put them in a bin and tuck it away for now. Maybe you can do something with it later? Or maybe it will just sit there for a long time. No matter what you decide, IT IS OKAY. There is no wrong way to do things and no time frame that you have to stick with.

When we repainted the boys room the following year, we saw pencil scribbles on the wall right next to Christian's bed.  Pause. Cry. Remember. Laugh. Take pictures of scribbles. Cry a little more and keep painting.

There is no calendar or instruction manual on grieving. Give grace if you can to those that speak critically of the way you are grieving (or seem to not be grieving).  Some might speak out of meanness, but most are well meaning and speak from love. They just don't understand... which is a blessing for them.

We, however, can choose to grieve with HOPE.
Every single day, make the choice to trust God. Trust Him with your hurt, your sorrow, your anger, your disappointment, your questions, your heart...  It's not easy, but it is worth it.

How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
-Psalm 13

Dear Christian,

It has been a long six years without you.  I still try to sing unto the Lord and to look at life with an eternal perspective.  Some days are more successful than others. It's a little too easy to get off track and take my eyes away from the Lord with all the daily tasks of life vying for my attention...  Not to mention your little brother Ian's climbing antics and funny business... and your new sister Hope distracting us with her cuteness and grins!  

Pssst... she looks so much like you!!! Blue gray eyes and such a whitey! She even started drooling just like you used to... a bib will have to be her go-to accessory.

I guess this is evidence that life does move on. It doesn't mean that we love you any less... It just means that we are learning to live with the pain of your absence.

We have decided to only make the trek back to Texas once a year for now. On our last visit I was able to stop by your grave.  I was glad to see that the sod they had put down was flourishing and the dumb fire ants were diminished.  Daddy still saves his hotel cards for you and leaves them.  It makes me sad to see them because each card is a tangible reminder of him missing you so very very much.  You were always so happy when daddy gave YOU his card instead of giving it Austie or Boah!  And if it had a picture of pizza on the front, it was an even bigger treasure! :)  When I think about your joy, I can't help but smile!

Ian enjoyed playing with our hotel card this last trip.  I handed it to him and remembered how you would carry them around.  I cried.  It was good to cry.

Speaking of brothers, your big brothers still talk about you. Sorry, but you will always be little to Austin and Noah.  They are almost the same height now-- and they both tower over me.  I wonder how tall you would be right now?  Would you still have blonde hair or would it have turned more brown?  Would you still be a whitey or would you have developed a tan?

My cup truly runneth over. Even with the crack in my cup, the filling flows faster than the leak.  

I thank God for the miracle of it all.

And I thank God for giving me you.

I love you, Christian Edward. Forever and always, always and forever.

Love,
Mommy

the loud reminder

Our little Coconut is now a little over 2 years old. Rambunctious, funny, vibrant, and LOUD...

He did this the other day (kinda loud video alert) :

I IMMEDIATELY connected it to this (louder video than the previous one):

The connection was more sweet than bitter... for which I am thankful.

We rejoice in the brown haired, asian eyed, big noggin bundle of personality and joy that is Ian!

But as each month draws us closer to Ian's 3rd birthday, I know we will think more and more about his similarities and differences to Christian at 3 years old.

Each passing stage and milestone is a crazy mixed up reminder of the blonde boy that graced our home and forever impressed our hearts... the gift of remembering fondly and the pain of saying goodbye to those moments all over again.

Grief is complicated like that.

5 years

"We wept when we were born though all around us smiled;

so shall we smile when we die when all around us weep."

-Charles Spurgeon

The number on the calendar today marks 5 years... half a decade!... 60 months!... since I last held my cheeky, blonde, funny, giggly, stinkerpot little boy.

"Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter."

-Thomas Shepherd after the death of his wife (1700s)

When I wonder if Christian is forgotten, God reminds me of how our family and friends still remember... But most of all, how He still remembers.

On my down days, He sends encouragement directly through His Word, or through a phone call, radio song, sermon at church, email from a stranger, hug from a friend.  Today is manageable so far because I was blessed with being heard yesterday.  How can those that never knew the old me and my little Christian be so loving and compassionate and kind?  To listen to my stories of him from so many years ago and to weep with me as if that dreadful day had just happened yesterday? Truly God's gift of sisters in Christ!

And then there are these guys. Oh these guys!  Our added joy, God's gift to us... The ones that remind us that life is still in front of us. I pray fervently that this hard place in the story of their lives will not be wasted.  It pains me to see them cry. Their young man arms wrapping around me when they see the look I get in my eyes. I think I know them so well... and sometimes forget how well they know their mama too.

And Ian. Oh my, our beautiful mess! His grin full of mischief and chin jutted slightly out like his big brother Christian used to do. He looks like mini Austin but acts so much like Christian-- full of busy and charm and temper and the trouble that should make you mad but you just can't help but laugh at him instead.

"Life is bigger than loss because God is bigger than loss.
They bear witness to the truth that pain and death do not have the final word; God does.
-Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

My soul has been stretched.

The overwhelming pain of loss has given me an incredible joy in the every day.  How such joy and sorrow can live side by side and yet intermingle is beyond my understanding. And yet there it is. Sure there are still frustrations and annoyances and the ever present missing, but these are evidence of life and living!  Ordinary is extraordinary.  

For you mama's dealing with the knee high bunch (or even the taller than you teen bunch!), hug your little ones a little more. It's okay to get frustrated and deal with messes and tantrums and noise. Love your kids... and when you lose it, ask for forgiveness and press on. It is evidence of life!  Carseats and crumbs, puking and potty training, giggles and hugs, songs and slides... Yes it is hard and exhausting being the mama. But God chose YOU to be mom to your child... What a high calling! Do not be weary in your well doing... It will be worth it.

God has never left me. 

His grace has been immeasurable. 

Though this journey seems impossible at times, IT IS STILL WELL WITH MY SOUL.

May I never forget.

To God be all glory.

"I did not go through pain and come out the other side;
instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow.
I did not get over the loss of my loved ones;
rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter,
until it became a part of who I am."

-Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

Dear Christian,

It has been 5 years since the day you met Jesus. Are you celebrating this day? Do you pray for us as we still mourn you?

Ian is starting to say more words... He says mama the most-- almost nonstop! Sometimes when he means Noah, we think he is asking for a banana. I wonder if he would say your name like you used to? 

"I Chis-chun!"

Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and miss you. I watch the few video clips of you that I have and I smile to remember your voice and laughter.  Ian is almost big enough to start playing with the trains and tracks that you loved so much. I wonder if he will love them as much as you did.

We have two of our family pictures on the refrigerator. Daddy and I are always sure to tell Ian your name and how you are his big brother. One day our family will be complete and we will all be together again... Daddy, Mommy, Austin, Noah, Christian and Ian. I can't wait for that day!

Remember how you used to bring me yard flowers or hold my hand and ask "I make you happy mommy?"  Well, my little wonderboy, even though we are apart right now, you make me happy. Very happy!

I love you!
Mommy

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep,
that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again,
even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord,
that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord
shall not prevent them which are asleep.

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout,
with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God:
and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds,
to meet the Lord in the air:
and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

-I Thessalonians 4:13-18

almost made it through mother's day

I almost made it through Mother's Day 2013 without crying.

It started while I was grabbing a few things at the grocery store tonight after church.  Out of the blue, my chest started to tighten and that familiar swell of sorrow threatened to rise up.

Nope, not tonight. 
Not here. 
I'm not in the mood to deal with this right now. 
Wait until I get home, wait until after the kids are in bed, just wait!

So I pushed it down and tried to think about whether I should buy that cut of meat that was packaged yesterday instead of today... what pasta shapes the boys might prefer... Ahhh... shapes...

The night before Christian died, I let him choose which shape of pretzels we should get at the grocery store. He decided on the small pretzel sticks, squealing with delight and holding the bag all the way home. The next morning, he begged to eat pretzels for breakfast!

{I'm glad I said yes.}

When he was still missing, us not knowing he was already in the arms of Jesus, I looked down at my feet and saw the broken pretzel sticks that had fallen from his hands that very morning.

*sigh*

Push the image away, change the channel in my brain, and leave the store quickly.

But after the kids are in bed, I can't hold it back.

*SIGH*

David mutes the TV and asks what is wrong.

It's nothing.

That's an awfully big sigh for it to be nothing...

And he's right.

I cry.
He holds me.

I need to sit in the grief moment and take it in. Holding onto it is the only way to release it.

And when the moment's tears are spent, we go back to what we were doing, all too familiar with this routine of unexpected tears.

Psalm 103 keeps going through my head... and I am thankful for the calm that it brings to my heart...

Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

Prayer in verse, prayer in song, running through my head as I drift off to sleep...
Thank you, dear God, for your Word... always timely, always relevant, always near to my broken heart.

God knew 9 years ago...

I have been looking for a particular picture for over one and half years.

I found it tonight!!!

When we first moved to Guam almost 2 years ago, I was sad we had this grand new adventure and no Christian to share it with. It wasn't a large outward boohoo, but one of those small things in a deep corner of my heart.

It wasn't long before God reminded me of a whirlwind two day stay in Guam back in 2004...

Ritidian Beach... Only ONE picture... and it's of me... pregnant with Christian!

I can honestly say that ALL of my boys have been to Guam!

Thank you God for knowing 9 years ago that I needed this gift today.

Haven of Hope Retreat for grieving moms

Registration is now open for our third annual Haven of Hope Retreat! The Retreat will once again be held in Round Top, Texas, which is approximately 2 hours from Houston, 1.5 hours from Austin, and really close to Brenham. :)  Retreat dates are March 8-10, 2013.

Would you please help spread the word?  

The registration link is at: www.haven-of-hope.com/retreat
You may share the flyer link and/or print it out HERE.


We are just a group of Christian moms on this grief journey trying to encourage one another in the Lord and share the HOPE that we have only through Jesus Christ.

It's not a weekend of only tears (though they are a plenty), but a place of safety and understanding... We talk, laugh, eat, pray, sing, craft and share our hurts, hearts, and children with one another.  Casual and Christ-centered with the Bible as our guide.

Please pray. Not only for us as we prepare the practical details, but for the moms that God already knows will be attending. It does take great courage to share this deep grief with strangers (although it doesn't take long to become fast friends). We are honored that these moms are willing to share their children with us.

To God be the glory.

heavy

There is a heaviness that has been sitting on my heart this week. It is a physical weight that makes it a little difficult to breathe, slows my steps, and makes me want to climb into bed for a month. We have been so busy trying to get back into the routine of life and school and sleep schedules, I hardly noticed it at first.  But with each passing day, each day closer to Christmas, it becomes heavier.... tugging, threatening to pull me down, down, down...

I hate that Christian isn't here with us to see the "missmus wights" or to help pick out a color for his room... that he's not here to fight over who gets to wear the Santa hat and pass out gifts... I don't even know if he would be like Noah and prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla like Austin prefers... Would he be reading fiction books like Austin or nonfiction like Noah or simply prefer no books at all?

I want to scream but I'm too tired. Perhaps weary is the better word...

I sit down at the piano to plunk out a few Christmas songs. As I flip through the hymn book, the pages open to two songs.

The Cross Is Not Greater

"The cross that He gave me may be heavy,

But it ne'er outweighs His grace;

The storm that I feared may surround me,

But it ne'er excludes His face.

The thorns in my path are not sharper

Than composed His crown for me;

The cup that I drink not more bitter

Than He drank in Gethsemane.

The light of His love shineth brighter,

As it falls on paths of woe;

The toil of my work groweth lighter,

As I stoop to raise the low.

His will I have joy in fulfilling,

As I'm walking in His sight;

My all to the blood I am bringing,

It alone can keep me right.

The cross is not greater than His grace,

The storm cannot hide His blessed face;

I am satisfied to know

That with Jesus here below,

I can conquer every foe."

-Ballington Booth

I struggle at times with that last stanza: "I am satisfied to know, That with Jesus here below, I can conquer every foe."  

I do believe that through Christ, we can conquer anything (Philippians 4:13).  It is the satisfied part that wavers from time to time.  

When I am rested and in His Word and "strong", I think "Yes, I can do this. I can run this race and be happy and joyful and content. I know I will see Christian again! Life is good! God is good!"

When I am tired and stressed and too busy with the things of this world to be consistent in prayer and reading God's Word, that is when my burden is TOO HEAVY to bear.  When holidays and special occasions mark the passing of time, the happy memories of Christmas long ago come rushing back, the sweet mixing with the bitter... and I cry...

How much longer must we wait, Lord, for your return?!

The words of the other song jump from the page.  This is a familiar song. 

The Christian's Good-Night

Sleep on, beloved, sleep, and take thy rest; 

Lay down thy head upon thy Savior's breast; 

We love thee well, but Jesus loves thee best--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Calm is thy slumber as an infant's sleep;

But thou shalt wake no more to toil and weep:

Thine is a perfect rest, secure and deep--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Until eternal glory lights the skies,

Until the dead in Jesus shall arise,

And He shall come, but not in lowly guise--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Only "Good-night", beloved-- not "Farewell!"

A little while, and all His saints shall dwell

In hallowed union indivisible--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Until we meet again before His throne,

Clothed in spotless robe He gives His own,

Until we know even as we are known--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

I don't cry for Christian-- he is in that perfect rest and will never have to suffer the hurts of this world like we do. I cry for us. Christian's greatest gain was our greatest loss. It is in this loss that I give thanks for the promise and HOPE we gained when Jesus came in lowly guise all those years ago. Jesus Christ was born to us... He is the only reason we can say Good-night rather than Farewell!

As you prepare to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, would you please take time to pray for the families that have said Good-night?  No matter how little or much time has passed, the missing and hurt is amplified during the holiday season. Your prayers make a tremendous difference in keeping together that which the devil seeks to destroy!

I choose joy.  Even in the hard moments.

To God be the glory.

i can't choose

I put Ian in his bed and walked outside for a second, telling the boys "Keep an eye on Christian for me. I'll be back in a second."

They both stopped.

"You called him Christian. You mean Ian, right?"



I wonder how long I'll be doing that? It brings back those first weeks of his absence... accidentally calling Noah or Austin his name, just like I did when he was here.

Although it brings about a moment of awkwardness, making that mistake again isn't all bad.

It throws me back to a time where it hasn't been THIS LONG since Christian left us. It somehow makes me feel a tad closer to the time that he was last with us... closer to hearing his voice, smiling at his laughter and mischief, feeling his sweet sweaty head lying on my shoulder... feeling his cheek beneath my lips... I remember barely hanging on to the edge of my bed because Christian would sneak into our room at midnight and climb smack dab in between David and me.

I can't believe it has been over 4 YEARS since Christian passed away. 
I can't believe he would be turning 8 years old on Monday.

When we went back to our house in Texas earlier this summer, I did not expect to be so emotional when I walked through the back door of our house and into our old familiar world. I looked at Ian cradled in my arms... our new son that will not meet his big brother this side of Heaven... the son that might not even be here had Christian not passed away in the first place.



Right before we left Guam for Texas, David had a dream...

God told him that things could be the way they were. 
Our family together with three boys, Christian the baby of them all...
Our family never touched by true sorrow... Not in pieces, but whole.
We could have Christian! Here!
...But then we wouldn't have Ian.

Or we could have Ian...
and He would keep Christian.

God said to CHOOSE.

Then David woke up.

I am so thankful that God doesn't ask us to choose! How could we ever choose?! 
We could not! Not ever!

Even when we wish He would answer our prayers just as we ask them, I am thankful that we can trust Him to look at the big picture and love us enough to sometimes say no... and when we hurt with this saying of no, He holds us close and reminds us that He is faithful and sure.

Choosing joy (or fighting for joy) in the midst of sorrow is one thing, but choosing our yesterday, today and forever?  I dare not.

God thundereth marvellously with his voice;
great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend.
-Job 37:5

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever.

-Hebrews 13:8

Although this journey is hard, I get the best of both worlds. Christian AND Ian.

And all because of Jesus.

Summer

Temps reached 110 today. It feels like summer and smells like summer and a part of me wants to run away from this place and the memories of that August night.

Then I remember the long summer days that were filled with water balloons and rocket sprinklers and digging for gold and I realize that summer is not all bad.

Can you please pray for me?  I am feeling emotional and a little on edge tonight.

I also covet your prayers for the Haven of Hope Retreat this coming Friday through Sunday.  Please pray for God to prepare the hearts of those attending and to encourage the hearts of those that are leading. It truly is a privilege to serve the Lord and my fellow sisters in Christ. I am excited to see God's hand this weekend!

To God be the glory.

The will of God will never take you...
where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, where the army of God cannot protect you, where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the love of God cannot enfold you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, where the Word of God cannot feed you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

– Author Unknown

1,384 days

Today marks 1,384 days without Christian.

When Christian was born, we never fathomed that we would be around to experience the date at the end of his dash.  We had 1,383 days with our fun loving, little blonde charmer.

And now it will always be more days without him than with him.

And I can't quite wrap my mind around that.

I know that when we get to Heaven, we will be together for eternity and all this pain and hurt and missing will be made right. MADE RIGHT. As in I won't be disappointed!  I have no idea how that will work or what this making of things right will look like... but what I DO know is this:

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." -1 Corinthians 2:9

Let me tell you, I love God!  I am not perfect and fail Him often, but I love Him.  I can't imagine sacrificing any of my children for another person, let alone a person that is wicked and undeserving, but God has done that for me. For me! Saved by Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Son of my Creator.  How can you not love the One that gives his life for you?

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.  -John 14:2-3

God is preparing a place for me.  I wonder if Christian gets to see any of this preparation? I wonder if God would ever ask Christian what color my kitchen should be. I mean, I love to cook and it gives me joy, so God would surely give me a kitchen, right?  Can a feast in Heaven be a potluck, but one where all the food is piping hot instead of room temperature?  It brings me such joy to eat and talk and hang out with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Would God laugh if Christian thought my kitchen should be orange polka dots? Lots of questions pop in my head when I think about what God is preparing.

I started writing this post with a measure of sadness in my heart. I have started and stopped and walked away and returned to the computer. I don't really know what to say about these numbers of days and milestones.

I guess I have a choice in how to face them... I can face them with sorrow and sadness for the number today that is greater than the number yesterday.  Or I can face them with gratitude.


I choose to be thankful for the 1,383.  This exact number is definitely not what I would have chosen for myself, for Christian, for David, for my other boys... But God sees further down the road than I do. He will make things right. He is preparing a place for me. He told me so!

And as I didn't know how to face this day 1,384, I knew to Whom and Where I should turn for the answer. To God and to the Bible.  That is the only TRUTH there is in this world.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.  -Philippians 4:8-9

I began with a date and numbers and a heavy heart.

And then through His Word, God reminded me of His plans and love for me. He reminded me to look forward and see that this world is temporary. This heartache is temporary.

Whatever hurt or trial you are going through, whatever loss you are mourning, remember that this world is not all there is. If you have believed on Jesus Christ, the best (better than your life has ever been, better than you could have ever dreamed) is yet to come!  God will make all things right. Keep trusting Him.  Look to the Bible for the Truth you seek.  You won't be disappointed.

yo, it's my birthday

Today I am 37.

Whether that is really old or really young depends on my mood and how my day is going.

Easy day = young

Rough day = old

It is 1:00 AM here and I am feeling OLD at this moment.

Noah was the first to bring him up. He was the first to say that he missed Christian.

We can't help but think of Christian when there is a major celebration or family moment to be marked.  We can't help but think of Christian when the hour grows late and our bodies are tired.  We can't help but think of Christian when we look at Ian's face or kiss his chubby chipmunk cheeks.

Holding Ian and hearing his baby coos fills my weary heart with smiles and unexpected joy.  How can I be both sad and happy? Empty and full? Weary and hopeful?

When I think of God's promises, I am reminded that He does not promise us that we will not have trouble and sorrow in this life. But He does promise to be with us and bring us through the trial without being consumed.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
-Isaiah 43:2

We grieved for almost 3 years before God gave us the hope of Ian.  Three years of grief not brightened by the hope of this child that might not have been had his big brother not passed away.

But he is here now.  And I am thankful.

I am thankful for the gift of all my boys-- Austin, Noah, Christian and Ian.  I can't wait for all of us to be together for the first time.  Now that will be an occasion to celebrate!

Merry Christmas from Guam!

As we end our Christmas Day here in Guam, most of our family and friends are waking up to begin theirs.

We had fun Saturday evening with friends and didn't end up opening gifts until we returned home at almost 11pm! Christmas program at church this morning and a quiet family day together. It has been rather uneventful and was probably the most low-key Christmas we have had in forever.

Thank you for praying for us! I only had one sobbing breakdown after Austin and Noah opened their gifts... It just went by too quickly and peacefully. I cherish their thank you's and hugs and kisses after each gift. And I wish that there was a rowdy 7yo blonde boy in the mix to liven things up and maybe cause a little trouble. The days leading up to this weekend were definitely more difficult than the weekend itself-- and for that I am thankful.

We never stop missing Christian, but praise God that it has gotten a little less hard over time. Learning to live joyfully side by side with sorrow is indeed a gift and only possible through God's mercy and grace.

I also want to ask you, dear friends, to please continue to pray for the Sims family as they mourn the loss of 4yo Josiah Courage, who passed away earlier this week.

My heart is so heavy for them.

The following excerpt from Streams in the Desert ministered greatly to my heart on our first Christmas without Christian.

A few years ago a striking Christmas card was published, with the title, "If Christ had not come." It was founded upon our Savior's words, "If I had not come." The card represented a clergyman falling into a short sleep in his study on Christmas morning and dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream he found himself looking through his home, but there were no little stockings in the chimney corner, no Christmas bells or wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort, gladden and save. He walked out on the public street, but there was no church with its spire pointing to heaven. He came back and sat down in his library, but every book about the Savior had disappeared.

A ring at the doorbell, and a messenger asked him to visit a poor dying mother. He hastened with the weeping child and as he reached the home, he sat down and said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended at Malachi, and there was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and he could only bow his head and weep with her in bitter despair.

Two days afterward he stood beside her coffin and conducted the funeral service, but there was no message of consolation, no word of a glorious resurrection, no open heaven, but only "dust to dust, ashes to ashes," and one long eternal farewell. he realized at length that "He had not come" and burst into tears and bitter weeping in his sorrowful dream.

Suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing in his church close by:

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;

Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,

O come let us adore Him, Christ, the Lord.

Let us be glad and rejoice today, because "He has come." And let us remember the anunciation of the angel, "Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, for unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord" (Luke 2:10-11).

Merry Christmas from Guam!

And Merry Christmas from me! :-)

Thank you, Lord, for coming down in humble form to give us a future and a HOPE!

giving and receiving

I woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to go back to sleep but my mind started to race as fear and panic gripped my heart.

We live on an island surrounded by water... What were we thinking?! Austin will be taking scuba lessons soon... What if something happens to him? Oh Lord, will we have to live through loss from drowning once again? And this baby that you have been so good to give us, will he be taken from us too one day? I can't do this, God! When will it be easy? When will these crazy, tiresome thoughts finally end?

So many stories of loss and suffering... too much knowledge of what could go wrong... I want to hold tight to what I have. Yet the tighter I hold, the greater the fear... and the greater the foolishness in thinking that it is all up to me.

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving.

How easy it is for me to take for granted that the true owner of all that I have is God.

Thine, O LORD is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all. -I Chronicles 29:11

The view of the sky from my window...

My home, my body, my husband, my children...

Christmas 2007 - Our last Christmas together this side of Heaven

(That was such a fun Christmas! What a gift!)

Ian - 30 wks 5 days, 3 lbs 10 oz (How amazing is that?!) :-)

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. -I Corinthians 6:19-20

All the material things that I have, all the joy of the spirit that I have, all the comfort in sorrow that I have-- it is a GIFT from God.

I am not entitled, I am not deserving... and yet He gives.

How many times has He offered me gifts only to have me refuse, walk away or throw a fit? He offers to carry my burdens and tells me to trust Him. Isn't trust a gift?

To be able to trust... to have a God that is so Holy, just, right, loving, capable, all-knowing... and He is telling little, unworthy, fickle, emotional, bratty me that He WILL take care of me. That I can trust Him with my most prized possessions, my deepest hurts, my most fragile worries and fears.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

-I Peter 5:7

"It is God's will that I should cast

On Him my care each day;

He also bids me not to cast

My confidence away.

But, Oh! I am so stupid, that

When taken unawares,

I cast away all my confidence,

And carry all my cares."

-Author Unknown

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

How much better we would be if we would only trust Him and seek His face, if we would choose to look for His hand and blessings in our lives, rather than turn a blind eye in a tantrum when things don't happen the way we want them to happen?

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today and forever.

-Hebrews 13:8

Remember God's track record. Remember His faithfulness in the past. See His faithfulness and care for you today. Don't turn a blind eye, but choose to SEE and acknowledge Him. Trust Him with your future.

God never fails, even when all seems lost and dark.

Don't continue to carry burdens that you were not meant to carry. Give it to God and receive peace in return.

when my heart is breaking

We went shoe shopping for Noah yesterday. There were so many adorable styles for little kids-- styles that Noah has long outgrown. He brought me a pair of red ones that he thought would be perfect for Ian one day. And then I found these fun Crocs that were in the shape of... well, crocodiles! And it made me smile for a moment.

Christian had a pair of black crocs that he loved to wear. They were in the shape of cars with little headlights at the toes.

We buried him in them.

The memory took me by surprise. It had been a long time since I had thought about the whole sucky process of deciding what clothes and shoes he should be buried in, right down to the red Power Ranger underwear. Agonizing. Heartbreaking.

All I could do was hold onto David and cry.

There are always those moments of tears and sadness that catch us off-guard. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty predictable on the calendar... and are exceptionally difficult for those that have suffered the death of a loved one. Just this year, so many new moms are dreading the celebrations that were once so FULL of life and happiness...

Even when we are still surrounded by blessings and new life, it makes the absence of that one precious soul even more profound.

It really sucks, y'all.

"The love of God a perfect plan

Is planning now for thee,

It holds a "future and a hope,"

Which yet thou canst not see.

Though for a season, in the dark,

He asks thy perfect trust,

E'en that thou in surrender "lay

Thy treasure in the dust,"

Yet He is planning all the while,

Unerringly He guides

The life of him, who holds His will

More dear than all besides.

Trust were not trust if thou couldst see

The ending of the way,

Nor couldst thou learn His songs by night,

Were life one radiant day.

Amid the shadows here He works

The plan designed above,

"A future and a hope" for thee

In His exceeding love.

"A future"-- abiding fruit,

With loving kindness crowned;

"A hope"-- which shall thine own transcend,

As Heaven the earth around.

Though veiled as yet, one day thine eyes

Shall see His plan unfold,

And clouds that darkened once the path

Shall shine with Heaven's gold.

Enriched to all eternity

The steadfast soul shall stand,

That, "unoffended", trusted Him

Who all life's pathway planned.

I have an heritage of bliss,

Which yet I may not see;

The Hand that bled to make it mine,

Is keeping it for me."

-Freda Hanbury Allen

Believe it or not, grieving mom, you do have a CHOICE when it comes to your thoughts and attitude. You can choose to fight for joy!

It is easier to make this decision ahead of time... Decide NOW that you will fight.

Decide NOW to start praying (and having your friends and family pray) that God will give you grace and mercy in the months ahead. As with all the other "firsts" in your grief, it makes a difference to prepare your heart in advance. It might seem impossible when you are even now, on a "normal" day, just barely surviving... but don't give up.

Yes, you have laid your treasure in the dust. But it does not end there! Although you cannot see past the dark bend in this road, there is MORE ahead... there is a future and a hope!

This life, this world, it is but a vapour that vanishes. You know all too well how fleeting life can be. The time with our children was never long enough. Jesus Christ died on the cross for OUR sins, for yours and mine. And when we ask forgiveness for our sins and accept his gift of salvation, he promises us eternal life. Eternal is forever!

If you have trusted Jesus with your eternal destiny, with the salvation of your soul, with FOREVER... how much MORE can you TRUST HIM with this life here? How much MORE can you trust Him to walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death? How much MORE can you TRUST His Word that a future and HOPE is coming? Right around the bend... though you cannot see. God spoke the world into existence and sees all from beginning to end. He that knows the number of hairs on your head, the One that wants to carry your burdens (if you would just let Him), loves you!

That is indeed worth giving thanks and worth celebrating.

This Christmas season, I pray that God will fill your heart with joy and bring to mind all the wonderful memories of your precious child... and rather than focusing on the missing of that laugh and smile, that you would focus on the GIFT that God chose YOU to be the mommy and allowed YOU to be the one to hear that giggle and see that grin on a regular basis.

He gave you the gift of your child! And through Jesus Christ, we will be reunited again...

Keep trusting and walking with Him. God cannot lie. We have a future and a hope... all because of Jesus!

Another Birthday and Unfinished Cornices

Three years ago, I never could have imagined meeting this day-- Christian's 7th Birthday. Three birthdays with him and now four without him.

Grief and tears were a huge part of every breathing moment back then.

Today, grief is still present, but the burden is not so heavy and it doesn't threaten to consume me like it once did. Tears which were once a constant stream now only burst forth unexpectedly... like when another mom's blonde headed 4 year old boy looks up at me at the grocery store, when It is Well with My Soul is the church hymn, or when a towel is brought out of storage still bearing the scent of baby powder and blue eyed boy. (Oh how I miss even the smell of him. Although at 3, he smelled more of dirt and fwogs than baby powder!)

Thank you, Lord, for giving me Christian's birthday to celebrate. The day of his birth brought such excitement and wonder to our family! Thank you for the joy of being called mommy. Thank you for carrying me through three years of grief with my family intact. Thank you for giving me an eternal perspective, even on the days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and be swallowed up by my sorrow... You have never left me and you have always lovingly reminded me that I can trust you and look to the future with HOPE.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

-I Corinthians 15:55-57

There is an Orthodox Jewish tradition of leaving your house unfinished as a reminder that this world is not our home, that we are pilgrims here.

I am not Jewish but I have my own unfinished cornice to remind me...

...I am not a Settler, but a Pilgrim.

To be daily reminded of the eternal is a blessing of brokenness.

It helps me to keep my focus off of the here and now, off of the missing, the longing, the aching. It makes me look to the future. It encourages me to seek not only God's plan for my day, but seek His purpose for my life.

"The one true God does not promise to take your pain away. Instead, He promises that in the midst of that pain, He will change your life. He will give you real life, a life in which you can experience true joy side-by-side with hurt and agony."

- Rick Taylor, When Life Is Changed Forever

I am different now. I am forever changed. It continues to be the most difficult thing to endure in my entire life, but it has been for the better.

Happy 7th Birthday, Christian! When I see you again, may you find me even better than I was when we were last together.

I love you.

what to say and beyond today

When I have the most to say, that is when words seem to escape me.

Bullet post to the rescue-- I just need to get this out of my head!

-My Uncle Blaine passed away on November 1st. Please pray for his wife Barbara and his sons, as well as for my G-ma. I can't imagine saying goodbye to three sons... and for my dad and Auntie Ann, who have said goodbye to three brothers.

Uncle Blaine talked about seeing my Uncle Terry, who had passed away in 2003... It just has me thinking... a lot...

-Christian's birthday is coming up. I can't believe he would be 7 years old. I am not dreading the 12th at all this time, but I am feeling emotional nonetheless. I'm not sure if it's being far away from family when there is loss, as well as when there is life (my nephew Jude is due Nov 13th!)... or if it's just a crazy hormonal thing (can you have PMS when you're pregnant?).

-Having three points here would make this post neat and tidy, but I don't know what else to say. My mind just goes back and forth to Blaine and to Christian and to baby Ian (who is kicking up a storm right now) and then to family and friends that have suffered deep loss.

Wandering thoughts and a restless mind makes me a little crazy. I think this calls for going to bed early and praying myself to sleep.

Isn't that the best way to end the day, handing all your burdens and worries over to the Lord?

If We Could See Beyond Today

If we could see beyond today

As God can see;

If all the clouds should roll away,

The shadows flee;

O'er present griefs we would not fret.

Each sorrow we would soon forget,

For many joys are waiting yet

For you and me.

If we could know beyond today

As God doth know,

Why dearest treasures pass away

And tears must flow;

And why the darkness leads to light,

Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;

Some day life's wrongs will be made right,

Faith tells us so.

'If we could see, if we could know,'

We often say,

But God in love a veil doth throw

Across our way;

We cannot see what lies before,

And so we cling to Him the more,

He leads us till this life is o'er;

Trust and obey.

-Norman J. Clayton

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

lamentations 3:22-23

I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning!

I don't have to rely on yesterday's mercy for today's troubles.

What God gives is fresh, timely, and relevant for right now, this moment, TODAY.

to a Summer-land

The little birds trust God, for they go singing

From northern woods where autumn winds have blown,

With joyous faith their trackless pathway winging

To summer-lands of song, afar, unknown.

Let us go singing, then, and not go sighing:

Since we are sure our times are in His hand,

Why should we weep, and fear, and call it dying?

'Tis only flitting to a Summer-land.

-Anon.

Death is not dying.

Jesus said unto her,

I am the resurrection,

and the life:

he that believeth in me,

though he were dead,

yet shall he live:

And whosoever liveth and believeth in me

shall never die.

Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26

3 years

It is nearing the end of August 26th here. We were blessed with 3.75 years with my sweet Christian and have now been 3 years without him.

It has been a very rough month emotionally. My dang diggity twitching left arm and leg have been driving me crazy. Christian has been on all of our minds more than usual, even for Austin and Noah who don't really associate August with sorrow.

The other night, Noah was sobbing in his room, new barrage of tears triggered by the memory of the moment when we told him that Christian was gone. I didn't know what to say... So I cried with him, holding him in my arms. It is hard being a big brother and not having your little brother around to play with or bother you.

He asked for a picture of Christian to keep in his room... I found an old Christmas postcard with our family picture for him to tape to his nightstand and he "borrowed" a picture from David's nightstand to place on top.

So much of this year is different from last year and that first year.

We are living halfway across the world.

We are anticipating the birth of a new Drews baby.

We have changed... I have changed.

Grief changes you forever. And when you trust God in your grief, He will walk with you and you will be changed for the better.

Will there still be tears? Absolutely! The hunger of loss cannot be satisfied this side of Heaven. It is a missing that goes unfulfilled. But there can still be JOY and you can walk with HOPE!

For those of you that are new in your grief journey, you will not always feel the way you feel right this very second. With God's help, it will get less hard! The laughter will return to your house and you will smile again. You won't ever forget your child, your friend, your husband... but in Jesus Christ, you will be comforted.

Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

-John 14:17-19

How do I feel today?

I. HAVE. PEACE.

I can't explain it, but I have an overwhelming peace in my heart. A few tears today, but no anguish. No despair. No hopelessness.

And I know it is because so many of you have been praying for me and my family!

THANK YOU. Thank you for your encouraging comments, emails, FB messages, and cards. Thank you for walking this road with me for the past three years. Thank you for remembering Christian.

I miss his mischief.

I miss his muscles.

I miss his mess.

Yes, it has been 3 years since the day that my sweet Christian died.

But it has also been 3 years to the day that he truly began to LIVE!

Three years of him being in the presence of our Creator, being with the One who knew him even before I did... Three years of him seeing the face of Jesus Christ, who died for me, for Christian, for you. Now I am three years closer to being with my littlest man again.

I miss you, Christian. I have been watching this video of you laughing today.

Listening to your chuckle makes my face break out into a big smile! The boys have their own room now... we have been wondering if you would've liked your own room or if you would've insisted on bunking with Austie or Boah. I guess you already know that you are a big brother. :-) I wonder if Jesus has told you whether you have a little brother or little sister? Even if this baby is a boy, you will still always be our littlest man.

I love you.

Mommy

history (again) and a haircut

So I have decided to NOT study Texas History with the boys next year. Thanks for all of your (y'alls?) input! I think we will focus on Guam and WW2 history found there and in the surrounding islands. I can't wait!

Speaking of history, I revisited an old hairstyle from several years ago. Here is my new do:

A little sassier than when it was long.

My hair was last cut like this back in the day...

August 4, 2008

The boys and I were trying to figure out my new laptop webcam. We took some snapshots and even a video clip to send to David while he was on a trip. :)

It's strange how I even associated my haircut with that time period. I never thought grief would extend its fingers into so many small details of my life and that something as simple as a haircut would require emotional preparation.

I am thankful for an understanding family and a husband who loves me enough to walk through the details with me. {I'm glad he likes my haircut too!}

P.S. I have no idea what "related" video links are going to display at the end of the video clip... so just ignore them.