When I am waiting to drift off to sleep, I find myself imagining...
Imagining the sound of the boys' bedroom door slamming and feet softly padding down the hallway and into our room. Looking up from my pillow, I'd see Christian standing in front of me with his thumb in his mouth and his free hand gripping his blue blankie close. I always made room for him to snuggle close to me, the top of his soft hair brushing against my lips.
If I imagine hard enough, can I bring back even a portion of the before-Christian-died feelings?
I hadn't realized I had these feelings of a whole heart,
completeness, and rest until they were gone.
Since then, my heart has been both broken and enlarged. Broken from the big piece that Christian took with him when he went to his eternal home. Enlarged from the exercise through tears, searching, studying, and learning the truth of the person of God-- WHO HE IS.
"I will run the way of thy commandments,when thou shalt enlarge my heart."
With this exercising has come strength. With strength, endurance. And with endurance, the confidence that God will help me finish the race set before me!
I can't bring those old feelings back, no matter how hard I imagine. In fact, I can't even relate to them anymore. I am no longer the person that I was, untouched by real pain and sorrow.
God is a zealous Pruner,For He knowsWho, falsely tender, spares the knifeBut spoils the rose.-The Pruner, by John Oxenham
No matter what our hurts are, we all have a choice.
I can choose to keep feeling sorry for myself and fall further down into despair. OR I can choose to take the hurt in my heart and turn it around! The pain that is now a very real part of me is a reminder of how far God has brought me from my old self.
Even my old Christian self.
I choose to acknowledge that He has done a mighty thing in growing me, in delivering me from my fears, and in changing my focus from the here and now to the eternal.
When I focus on the Cross, everything else gets put in its proper place. Daily I see the grace of God and am reminded of the fleetingness of life here on earth. That is the blessing I choose to see.
I am different now.
Whatever your difficulty or situation, what do you choose to see? Will you let it make you bitter or make you better?