Saturday, November 10, 2012

i can't choose

I put Ian in his bed and walked outside for a second, telling the boys "Keep an eye on Christian for me. I'll be back in a second."

They both stopped.

"You called him Christian. You mean Ian, right?"


I wonder how long I'll be doing that? It brings back those first weeks of his absence... accidentally calling Noah or Austin his name, just like I did when he was here.

Although it brings about a moment of awkwardness, making that mistake again isn't all bad.

It throws me back to a time where it hasn't been THIS LONG since Christian left us. It somehow makes me feel a tad closer to the time that he was last with us... closer to hearing his voice, smiling at his laughter and mischief, feeling his sweet sweaty head lying on my shoulder... feeling his cheek beneath my lips... I remember barely hanging on to the edge of my bed because Christian would sneak into our room at midnight and climb smack dab in between David and me.

I can't believe it has been over 4 YEARS since Christian passed away. 
I can't believe he would be turning 8 years old on Monday.

When we went back to our house in Texas earlier this summer, I did not expect to be so emotional when I walked through the back door of our house and into our old familiar world. I looked at Ian cradled in my arms... our new son that will not meet his big brother this side of Heaven... the son that might not even be here had Christian not passed away in the first place.


Right before we left Guam for Texas, David had a dream...

God told him that things could be the way they were. 
Our family together with three boys, Christian the baby of them all...
Our family never touched by true sorrow... Not in pieces, but whole.
We could have Christian! Here!
...But then we wouldn't have Ian.

Or we could have Ian...
and He would keep Christian.

God said to CHOOSE.

Then David woke up.

I am so thankful that God doesn't ask us to choose! How could we ever choose?! 
We could not! Not ever!

Even when we wish He would answer our prayers just as we ask them, I am thankful that we can trust Him to look at the big picture and love us enough to sometimes say no... and when we hurt with this saying of no, He holds us close and reminds us that He is faithful and sure.

Choosing joy (or fighting for joy) in the midst of sorrow is one thing, but choosing our yesterday, today and forever?  I dare not.

God thundereth marvellously with his voice;
great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend.
-Job 37:5

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Although this journey is hard, I get the best of both worlds. Christian AND Ian.

And all because of Jesus.


Brandy McCoy said...

Marsha, my sister died at 10 days old. I can't even begin to understand howhard that was on my mom. She was 3 years younger than me so older than my brother and other sister. Over the years I wonder if my mom would have had them if Shannon had lived. I can't imagine life without them yet I have always wondered how it could be with a sister just 3 years younger than me.

Lainie said...

I am so grateful for the abundant beauty God has brought from this grief. It is because of Christian that I started to pray for you. Then it stirred me to reach out. Because of him, you and I are friends, and for that I'm grateful.

I cannot believe it has been 4 years! Thank you for the reminder to hold each day and each person in my life as precious.

Keep being a banner of God's love and incredible grace!

moreofhim said...

Love you, Marsha! My prayers are with you, as always.

Love - Julie

Christine said...

I love you.

Christine said...

I love you.

Debbie said...

I can't imagine 8 year old Christian....He is always going to be the spirited, hilarious, sweet, anger management needing 3 year old I miss so much. I truly cannot wait for the day to see Christian again, reunited with all of us who love and miss him so much, and also seeing him for the first time with the brother and cousins he never got to meet here on earth. How thankful I am for God's promise that allows us to look forward to that! I love you so much, Marshy.

Ms. Anita said...

Thanks for continuing to inspire awe in me for God's incredible love for us.

Sam said...

Hugs and prayers. Hold Ian tightly, as well as your memories.

Marcia said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Jen said...

I, too, have a son who would not be here if not for the loss of another son. My Christopher was conceived only a couple of months after the miscarriage of his brother Morgan. It would not have been possible for Christopher to have been born when he was, because I would have still been pregnant with Morgan. I understand your conflict. Thank you for sharing. It helps to know that others know what it's like to snuggle that little one so tightly, while wishing you could also snuggle someone else.

Unknown said...

I've been following your blog(s) since you were just writing about homeschooling the boys (many moons ago, now!) Not sure I have ever left a comment, but you have often been in my prayers. Your blog reminds me to be grateful for every single day I am blessed with my children's loud, dirty, exhausting but totally loving presence. In fact, after reading this post I walked back to my 7 and 5 yo's bedroom and "woke" them up just to tell them how much I love them. I pretended not to see the iPods they quickly hid under their covers :)

Erin said...

So so hard. They are both such sweet boys.. and you are SUCH a good momma and daughter of the King. I admire you greatly Marsha!

Unknown said...

I cry for you.
Weep, actually.
I am so sorry for this tragedy that has come into your life.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
Please know you are in my thoughts.
With all my love,