Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas from Guam!


As we end our Christmas Day here in Guam, most of our family and friends are waking up to begin theirs.

We had fun Saturday evening with friends and didn't end up opening gifts until we returned home at almost 11pm! Christmas program at church this morning and a quiet family day together. It has been rather uneventful and was probably the most low-key Christmas we have had in forever.

Thank you for praying for us! I only had one sobbing breakdown after Austin and Noah opened their gifts... It just went by too quickly and peacefully. I cherish their thank you's and hugs and kisses after each gift. And I wish that there was a rowdy 7yo blonde boy in the mix to liven things up and maybe cause a little trouble. The days leading up to this weekend were definitely more difficult than the weekend itself-- and for that I am thankful.

We never stop missing Christian, but praise God that it has gotten a little less hard over time. Learning to live joyfully side by side with sorrow is indeed a gift and only possible through God's mercy and grace.

I also want to ask you, dear friends, to please continue to pray for the Sims family as they mourn the loss of 4yo Josiah Courage, who passed away earlier this week.

My heart is so heavy for them.

The following excerpt from Streams in the Desert ministered greatly to my heart on our first Christmas without Christian.

A few years ago a striking Christmas card was published, with the title, "If Christ had not come." It was founded upon our Savior's words, "If I had not come." The card represented a clergyman falling into a short sleep in his study on Christmas morning and dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream he found himself looking through his home, but there were no little stockings in the chimney corner, no Christmas bells or wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort, gladden and save. He walked out on the public street, but there was no church with its spire pointing to heaven. He came back and sat down in his library, but every book about the Savior had disappeared.

A ring at the doorbell, and a messenger asked him to visit a poor dying mother. He hastened with the weeping child and as he reached the home, he sat down and said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended at Malachi, and there was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and he could only bow his head and weep with her in bitter despair.

Two days afterward he stood beside her coffin and conducted the funeral service, but there was no message of consolation, no word of a glorious resurrection, no open heaven, but only "dust to dust, ashes to ashes," and one long eternal farewell. he realized at length that "He had not come" and burst into tears and bitter weeping in his sorrowful dream.

Suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing in his church close by:


O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;

Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,

O come let us adore Him, Christ, the Lord.


Let us be glad and rejoice today, because "He has come." And let us remember the anunciation of the angel, "Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, for unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord" (Luke 2:10-11).


Merry Christmas from Guam!


And Merry Christmas from me! :-)


Thank you, Lord, for coming down in humble form to give us a future and a HOPE!



Monday, December 19, 2011

giving and receiving

I woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to go back to sleep but my mind started to race as fear and panic gripped my heart.

We live on an island surrounded by water... What were we thinking?! Austin will be taking scuba lessons soon... What if something happens to him? Oh Lord, will we have to live through loss from drowning once again? And this baby that you have been so good to give us, will he be taken from us too one day? I can't do this, God! When will it be easy? When will these crazy, tiresome thoughts finally end?

So many stories of loss and suffering... too much knowledge of what could go wrong... I want to hold tight to what I have. Yet the tighter I hold, the greater the fear... and the greater the foolishness in thinking that it is all up to me.

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving.

How easy it is for me to take for granted that the true owner of all that I have is God.


Thine, O LORD is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all. -I Chronicles 29:11


The view of the sky from my window...


My home, my body, my husband, my children...


Christmas 2007 - Our last Christmas together this side of Heaven
(That was such a fun Christmas! What a gift!)


Ian - 30 wks 5 days, 3 lbs 10 oz (How amazing is that?!) :-)


What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. -I Corinthians 6:19-20


All the material things that I have, all the joy of the spirit that I have, all the comfort in sorrow that I have-- it is a GIFT from God.

I am not entitled, I am not deserving... and yet He gives.

How many times has He offered me gifts only to have me refuse, walk away or throw a fit? He offers to carry my burdens and tells me to trust Him. Isn't trust a gift?

To be able to trust... to have a God that is so Holy, just, right, loving, capable, all-knowing... and He is telling little, unworthy, fickle, emotional, bratty me that He WILL take care of me. That I can trust Him with my most prized possessions, my deepest hurts, my most fragile worries and fears.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

"It is God's will that I should cast
On Him my care each day;
He also bids me not to cast
My confidence away.
But, Oh! I am so stupid, that
When taken unawares,
I cast away all my confidence,
And carry all my cares."

-Author Unknown

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

How much better we would be if we would only trust Him and seek His face, if we would choose to look for His hand and blessings in our lives, rather than turn a blind eye in a tantrum when things don't happen the way we want them to happen?

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today and forever.

Remember God's track record. Remember His faithfulness in the past. See His faithfulness and care for you today. Don't turn a blind eye, but choose to SEE and acknowledge Him. Trust Him with your future.

God never fails, even when all seems lost and dark.

Don't continue to carry burdens that you were not meant to carry. Give it to God and receive peace in return.




Sunday, December 4, 2011

when my heart is breaking

We went shoe shopping for Noah yesterday. There were so many adorable styles for little kids-- styles that Noah has long outgrown. He brought me a pair of red ones that he thought would be perfect for Ian one day. And then I found these fun Crocs that were in the shape of... well, crocodiles! And it made me smile for a moment.

Christian had a pair of black crocs that he loved to wear. They were in the shape of cars with little headlights at the toes.

We buried him in them.

The memory took me by surprise. It had been a long time since I had thought about the whole sucky process of deciding what clothes and shoes he should be buried in, right down to the red Power Ranger underwear. Agonizing. Heartbreaking.

All I could do was hold onto David and cry.


There are always those moments of tears and sadness that catch us off-guard. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty predictable on the calendar... and are exceptionally difficult for those that have suffered the death of a loved one. Just this year, so many new moms are dreading the celebrations that were once so FULL of life and happiness...

Even when we are still surrounded by blessings and new life, it makes the absence of that one precious soul even more profound.

It really sucks, y'all.


"The love of God a perfect plan
Is planning now for thee,
It holds a "future and a hope,"
Which yet thou canst not see.

Though for a season, in the dark,
He asks thy perfect trust,
E'en that thou in surrender "lay
Thy treasure in the dust,"

Yet He is planning all the while,
Unerringly He guides
The life of him, who holds His will
More dear than all besides.

Trust were not trust if thou couldst see
The ending of the way,
Nor couldst thou learn His songs by night,
Were life one radiant day.

Amid the shadows here He works
The plan designed above,
"A future and a hope" for thee
In His exceeding love.

"A future"-- abiding fruit,
With loving kindness crowned;
"A hope"-- which shall thine own transcend,
As Heaven the earth around.

Though veiled as yet, one day thine eyes
Shall see His plan unfold,
And clouds that darkened once the path
Shall shine with Heaven's gold.

Enriched to all eternity
The steadfast soul shall stand,
That, "unoffended", trusted Him
Who all life's pathway planned.

I have an heritage of bliss,
Which yet I may not see;
The Hand that bled to make it mine,
Is keeping it for me."

-Freda Hanbury Allen


Believe it or not, grieving mom, you do have a CHOICE when it comes to your thoughts and attitude. You can choose to fight for joy!

It is easier to make this decision ahead of time... Decide NOW that you will fight.

Decide NOW to start praying (and having your friends and family pray) that God will give you grace and mercy in the months ahead. As with all the other "firsts" in your grief, it makes a difference to prepare your heart in advance. It might seem impossible when you are even now, on a "normal" day, just barely surviving... but don't give up.

Yes, you have laid your treasure in the dust. But it does not end there! Although you cannot see past the dark bend in this road, there is MORE ahead... there is a future and a hope!

This life, this world, it is but a vapour that vanishes. You know all too well how fleeting life can be. The time with our children was never long enough. Jesus Christ died on the cross for OUR sins, for yours and mine. And when we ask forgiveness for our sins and accept his gift of salvation, he promises us eternal life. Eternal is forever!

If you have trusted Jesus with your eternal destiny, with the salvation of your soul, with FOREVER... how much MORE can you TRUST HIM with this life here? How much MORE can you trust Him to walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death? How much MORE can you TRUST His Word that a future and HOPE is coming? Right around the bend... though you cannot see. God spoke the world into existence and sees all from beginning to end. He that knows the number of hairs on your head, the One that wants to carry your burdens (if you would just let Him), loves you!

That is indeed worth giving thanks and worth celebrating.

This Christmas season, I pray that God will fill your heart with joy and bring to mind all the wonderful memories of your precious child... and rather than focusing on the missing of that laugh and smile, that you would focus on the GIFT that God chose YOU to be the mommy and allowed YOU to be the one to hear that giggle and see that grin on a regular basis.

He gave you the gift of your child! And through Jesus Christ, we will be reunited again...

Keep trusting and walking with Him. God cannot lie. We have a future and a hope... all because of Jesus!





Monday, November 21, 2011

belly, blanket and backwards bbq


{is it just me or is that picture up there so blurry it hurts your eyes?}

27 weeks!

Due to my history of early babies, my doctor is concerned about the high risk of preterm labor. I'm not having any contractions and I'm not on bedrest... Just taking it easy, staying on-island, and adding omega-3 fish oil to my daily dose of vitamins. With no NICU/PICU on the island, Ian needs to stay put for another 10 weeks. Will y'all pray for my little guy?

{I still can't believe I'm mom to 4 boys! Eeeeeeeeeee!!!}


My little sis had her second child this past week-- Jude Christian.

I am *sniff sniff* and honored that they would make Christian part of his name. Just writing that out makes my eyes well up with tears. {Thank you, Lele and JRay.}

This is the first niece/nephew that I have not seen almost immediately after birth. :( Hence no pictures of him to share.

But I did get off my butt long enough to make him a cute little doggie baby blanket. Yay me!

{It's a good thing the pic up there is resized, lest ye have the desire to zoom in and see the uneven stitches and laughable attempt at mitering corners.}



Many of y'all are enjoying the cooler temps that come with November. While living in Guam is a beautiful experience, summer is the season that lasts all. year. long.

It's warm, humid, and breezy here... So when you are wishing for autumn and the need for s'mores arises (and you live in a condo with an electric stove and no yard), you do what you gotta do...

Gather your supplies...


...and IMPROVISE!


A bit laughable but the results are still deliciously the same...



What is your favorite Fall treat?

And does anyone have any special tips or tricks for binding a quilt and getting those corners right?




Sunday, November 20, 2011

romans 5:1-2

"Faith is a thread
Slender and frail,
Easy to tear;
Yet it can lift
The weight of a soul
Up from despair."

-Matthew Biller










Saturday, November 12, 2011

Another Birthday and Unfinished Cornices

Three years ago, I never could have imagined meeting this day-- Christian's 7th Birthday. Three birthdays with him and now four without him.


Grief and tears were a huge part of every breathing moment back then.

Today, grief is still present, but the burden is not so heavy and it doesn't threaten to consume me like it once did. Tears which were once a constant stream now only burst forth unexpectedly... like when another mom's blonde headed 4 year old boy looks up at me at the grocery store, when It is Well with My Soul is the church hymn, or when a towel is brought out of storage still bearing the scent of baby powder and blue eyed boy. (Oh how I miss even the smell of him. Although at 3, he smelled more of dirt and fwogs than baby powder!)

Thank you, Lord, for giving me Christian's birthday to celebrate. The day of his birth brought such excitement and wonder to our family! Thank you for the joy of being called mommy. Thank you for carrying me through three years of grief with my family intact. Thank you for giving me an eternal perspective, even on the days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and be swallowed up by my sorrow... You have never left me and you have always lovingly reminded me that I can trust you and look to the future with HOPE.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.


There is an Orthodox Jewish tradition of leaving your house unfinished as a reminder that this world is not our home, that we are pilgrims here.

I am not Jewish but I have my own unfinished cornice to remind me...

...I am not a Settler, but a Pilgrim.



To be daily reminded of the eternal is a blessing of brokenness.

It helps me to keep my focus off of the here and now, off of the missing, the longing, the aching. It makes me look to the future. It encourages me to seek not only God's plan for my day, but seek His purpose for my life.

"The one true God does not promise to take your pain away. Instead, He promises that in the midst of that pain, He will change your life. He will give you real life, a life in which you can experience true joy side-by-side with hurt and agony."
- Rick Taylor, When Life Is Changed Forever

I am different now. I am forever changed. It continues to be the most difficult thing to endure in my entire life, but it has been for the better.

Happy 7th Birthday, Christian! When I see you again, may you find me even better than I was when we were last together.

I love you.





Friday, November 4, 2011

what to say and beyond today


When I have the most to say, that is when words seem to escape me.
Bullet post to the rescue-- I just need to get this out of my head!

-My Uncle Blaine passed away on November 1st. Please pray for his wife Barbara and his sons, as well as for my G-ma. I can't imagine saying goodbye to three sons... and for my dad and Auntie Ann, who have said goodbye to three brothers.

Uncle Blaine talked about seeing my Uncle Terry, who had passed away in 2003... It just has me thinking... a lot...

-Christian's birthday is coming up. I can't believe he would be 7 years old. I am not dreading the 12th at all this time, but I am feeling emotional nonetheless. I'm not sure if it's being far away from family when there is loss, as well as when there is life (my nephew Jude is due Nov 13th!)... or if it's just a crazy hormonal thing (can you have PMS when you're pregnant?).

-Having three points here would make this post neat and tidy, but I don't know what else to say. My mind just goes back and forth to Blaine and to Christian and to baby Ian (who is kicking up a storm right now) and then to family and friends that have suffered deep loss.

Wandering thoughts and a restless mind makes me a little crazy. I think this calls for going to bed early and praying myself to sleep.

Isn't that the best way to end the day, handing all your burdens and worries over to the Lord?



If We Could See Beyond Today

If we could see beyond today
As God can see;
If all the clouds should roll away,
The shadows flee;
O'er present griefs we would not fret.
Each sorrow we would soon forget,
For many joys are waiting yet
For you and me.

If we could know beyond today
As God doth know,
Why dearest treasures pass away
And tears must flow;
And why the darkness leads to light,
Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;
Some day life's wrongs will be made right,
Faith tells us so.

'If we could see, if we could know,'
We often say,
But God in love a veil doth throw
Across our way;
We cannot see what lies before,
And so we cling to Him the more,
He leads us till this life is o'er;
Trust and obey.

-Norman J. Clayton


For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

Sunday, October 30, 2011

lamentations 3:22-23


I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning!

I don't have to rely on yesterday's mercy for today's troubles.

What God gives is fresh, timely, and relevant for right now, this moment, TODAY.








Thursday, October 27, 2011

Our 2011-2012 Curriculum

This pregnancy has really put me behind schedule in a lot of areas of my life. When the goal of the day is to attempt to be out of bed for more than 2 hours and try to cook at least one meal without puking, one can see how some items related to homeschooling would be put on the backburner.

I am tardy in recording our 2011-2012 Curriculum by a mere 3 months. *cough, cough*

Pish-posh, right?

For the record, we have been educating our boys in the midst of moving halfway around the world, a pukey but precious pregnancy (in which I now feel great!), (me) freaking out (only slightly) about a certain child's venture into puberty, and the usual how can we start the new year when we haven't quite finished up last year?! debate within myself.

Onward, shall we? :)


AUSTIN - 12 years old, Grade 7


Bible:

Math:
Math-U-See Epsilon and Zeta

History:
Sonlight Core F Eastern Hemisphere (finish up from last year, then geography- see below)
Mapping the World by Heart (we will attempt this, might be too ambitious?)

Language Arts:

Science:

Foreign Language:
Rosetta Stone Latin Level 1 (Homeschool Edition)

Other:
Spectrum Test Prep 6 by McGraw-Hill Children's Publishing
Dr. Funster's Think A Minutes, Level C Book 1 and Book 2


NOAH - 10 years old, Grade 5


Bible:

Math:
Math U See Delta (completed 10/2011) and Epsilon

History:
Sonlight Core F Eastern Hemisphere (finish up from last year, then geography- see below)
Mapping the World by Heart (we will attempt this, might be too ambitious?)

Language Arts:

Science:

Foreign Language:
Rosetta Stone Latin Level 1 (Homeschool Edition)

Other:
Dr. Funster's Think a Minutes, Level B Book 2 and Level C Book 1


I do have a question for y'all.

We have Rosetta Stone Japanese Level 1 that I would like to implement, as tourism from Japan is a major economic force here in Guam. Have any of y'all done two foreign languages at the same time? Thoughts, please?





Not Back to School Blog Hop

Sunday, October 23, 2011

isaiah 26:3


Do you need peace in your heart? Are you discontent, worried, or weary?

Quit trusting in yourself and put your trust in our mighty God, the Lord of peace, Jehovah-Shalom!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.



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