Thursday, November 12, 2009

Not what I wished it to be

I had great plans for a Happy Birthday post today, but for some reason firefox kept crashing and photobucket would freeze up. This has been going on for two days!

As I was getting frustrated with it all, God kept impressing upon my heart that I needed to post the following that I've had sitting in my draft folder for the past two weeks. It makes me a little nervous to post it... I don't know why, it just does.

I am praying for all of you that are reading this. I pray that by being obedient in posting something so close to my heart, that someone (maybe YOU) will draw closer to the Lord or come to know Him personally. Because we each make our own personal choice, a choice with eternal consequences.



*****

It was late afternoon. I was nervously pacing in my driveway as the sheriff's department and K-9 units were searching our house and property for my son.

Where is Christian?!

It had been almost an hour (or was it a half hour?) since he was last seen coming into the house. I had never not known where he was or what he was doing. Christian was the type of kid that was right in the thick of things, always by your side, always into something, and usually making a mess or loud enough of a racket where you couldn't ignore him. Even if you tried!

Just thinking about my littlest man being hurt or scared put a knot in my stomach that made me want to be sick.

Oh how I was praying!

Dear God, I KNOW that you know exactly where Christian is. I KNOW that you are able to protect Him. I KNOW that you are able to deliver him to us! I KNOW that you answer prayer. I...

This is where God inserted His voice. Right in the middle of my plea.

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

I was taken aback by the clarity and compassion behind His voice, His words. He was speaking directly to ME. No one else heard Him.

The panic in my heart grew.

Right then, I saw my pastor walking up the driveway towards me. Friends and neighbors were beginning to arrive, armed with flashlights, ready to search. Prayers uttered. Words of compassion, words of encouragement, words of hope.

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

Would I still believe in the omnipotent power of God? Would I still believe that His Word is true? Would I still trust Him, call to Him, worship Him, thank Him, PRAISE HIM?

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

These words haunted my thoughts as the divers and sonar boat arrived on scene. These words echoed when the detective said that they would issue an amber alert after one more sweep of the pond.

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

I couldn't get these words out of my head. I feared to tell anyone... they still seemed hopeful.


But God's answer to my prayer was not what I wished it to be.


For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
-Romans 8:18

I have wrestled and struggled much these past 444 days. I have cried, doubted, remembered, longed and hoped. I am glad that this is a "present" time, rather than an everlasting time.

Through it all, God has been constant, faithful, true. He has always offered a way of escape when I have been tempted to give up and give in to the slough of despond.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
-I Corinthians 10:13

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

Will YOU turn to Him or from Him? Can you look past this present time and look to eternity?

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
-II Corinthians 4:17-18

And what if my answer is not what you wish it to be?

No matter what your particular trial is, would you still go to Him, cling to Him, trust Him?

If you are unsure, NOW is the time to shore up your faith. NOW is the time to immerse yourself in God's Word, to study, to learn, to grow, to hide His words in your heart. Don't put it off any longer!

And if you have never given your life to Jesus Christ, then there is no better time than RIGHT NOW!





47 comments:

Miss Rachel said...

Oh my, Marhiemallow... I am crying with you. may He comfort you in this time I know is trying for you. I am praying for you.

Pat Love said...

Marsha,
I think this spoke to my heart. I have not lost a child but I have a 21 year old,who is a little immature and she has been going through some stuff and I have been saying I was giving her and the situation to God and His will but I wasn't really. I am so sorry for your loss and have prayed many prayers and cried many tears for you but today I say thanks for sharing your heart. I needed this post.
Pat Love

Melissa Stover said...

incredible post. i find that comforting that god was with you from the very start, when you were first wondering, he knew you would need him. he was there with an answer.

Christina Brown said...

I really needed that today. SO. VERY. MUCH. I do already have a strong faith in G-D, but I have been feeling so downhearted about some things that have deeply disappointed my heart. I have felt like giving up lately and this post is exactly what I needed to read right this very minute. Thank-you Marsha, for your transparency and for sharing another part of Christian's story with us today.

I am praying for you.

Susan said...

I have no words. I've typed and erased...((((sending you hugs)))) today.

Retta said...

Sobbing & sending prayers your way.

Clara Van Nattan said...

This was a very heartfelt post and I think I know how nervous and afraid and vulnerable and sad it must have made you feel... ((hugs)) The Lord bless you and surround you with His love and presence.

treasurescreated said...

I, too, have heard those very words. He is my Rock, my Strong Tower, and my Comforter. Have prayed for you much, my friend. I will continue. Love you. C

Amy (Dandelion Seeds) said...

Love you...

KarenW said...

Marsha,

First of all, I'm having a hard time typing through the tears. . .

I can't wait to get to heaven, not only to meet Christian, but also to hear how his story and your testimony have touched and encouraged so many lives. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are in my prayers.

Christine said...

I love you Marshy! I still hear the pain and fear in your voice from that night in my head. I also still hear the calmness of your voice when it was all over. It's a day I will NEVER forget. You have been such a comfort to everyone else when you've needed comfort yourself. I'm so thankful that you have the faith you do. I'm so comforted knowing that we will be together for eternity because we share that same faith. Together in eternity with precious little Christian. I love you little sister! So much more than words can explain. I love you! I love you! I love you!!!

SuperAngel said...

I ache for you Marshy! I know you will find comfort in our Savior. I pray you feel His peace that passes all our human understanding. I know someone somewhere needed to read this today or in the coming days, even tho its not what you wished it to be. He will use it for His glory tho and you let Him use you to do it.

{HUGS} and so much love and prayers to you!

Debbie said...

Oh, Marshy...as many times as I've read or heard quoted 1 Corinthians 10:13--YOU have proven it to be true. I think back to the times that I've used it to comfort myself, and yet nothing I have gone through could come close to what you have endured. God is so good, but in hard times it can be so easy to give in to your sadness or hurt and turn away from God instead of TO Him. You made a conscious decision to turn to Him, and if that has ever wavered I have never seen it. You have shown what God can do--how He will carry you through when you don't think you can keep going. If you can continue to be thankful, to praise God, to give Him glory even after the way He answered your prayer on 8/26/08, then how can any of us not do the same? I think we all have doubts sometimes, but I know for a fact that seeing you in this past year has only helped my faith grow stronger. I love you so much!

Amy Bayliss said...

God was definitely a strong presence that night and He loves you so very much. I know that as I laid down on the floor in my bathroom, crying with compassion, pounding my fist in frustration, and begging God to give you the answer you wanted - I started to feel His overwhelming presence. Then the only words I could utter were, "God please comfort my friend. Please be there with her."

I've never lost that burden.

We still pray for you all every day. In fact, so much so that my babies know all of you by name and can pick you out of the photos. I really can't wait until our boys get to meet and play together.

I love you, Marsha and I hate that this happened to you and your family but I'm so glad that you still trust Him and still love Him. He loves you so much and you are an inspiration to so many. I will never forget Christian's sweet little face or the memories you share with us. Don't ever stop sharing him with us. We love you all...

(((BIG hug)))

Lesley said...

Oh, wow. I really have so many thoughts going through my head.

I know we don't know each other but if we were in the same room right now I would grab you up and hug you tight. You are such a brave, strong woman. You've been through every parents' worst nightmare and yet you've survived it to help lead others to Christ's love.

As nervous as you were posting this - there IS someone out there who will read this and be touched. I almost feel like waking my husband to come and read it. I pray that your story would be just the thing to touch his heart. You are such an inspiration to other who may be hurting.

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Many prayers and much love to you and your family.

Suzanne ~ TheJoyfulChaos said...

i love you so. i love you so.

sweet, marsha, i love you so.

Milk and Honey Mommy said...

Marsha,

Thank you for sharing your faith and your continued love for God through this very sad and very devastating experience. I have never lost a child and don't know how I would handle such an experience. I appreciate you Marsha so much because of your strength of character, your willingness to continue sharing the love and faithfulness of God despite this "present time," and your example of what it truly means to lean on, seek comfort, trust, and love Him.

I love you in Christ and I don’t even "know you," so I’ll just pray for you and your family that His loving arms of comfort will continue to embrace each one of you every single moment of every single day here in this present time and on into eternity. I know Christian is waiting to see all of you again. I’m sure he’ll have some stories to tell.

Deedee said...

Dearest Marshie! On one hand I can't even begin to fathom the pain and torment of that terrible day. And yet......I had a similar feeling while waiting for a scan to show 'Of course it will be OK. God will make it OK with this baby.....' And it wasnt' OK. There was no heartbeat - again! Twice in just three months it ended in tears and I simply got angry with HIM. I had the choice you had and I chose wrong. I spent months in anger and rage with my Lord and Saviour, until He gently drew me to Him again. What wasted months! Thank you for sharing. I wish my story had been as full of faith as yours. You are an example of a life surrendered to Him. ((((HUGS)))) - Deedee

Annemarie said...

I love you, Marsha. You will never know, this side of heaven, how much these 444 days have changed *this* Mommy as I have watched you and your family choose joy and obedience.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says it the best.

~Annemarie

Angie said...

Marsha, Oh how I wish my faith was as strong as yours. I am so scared that if my world were to come crashing down that I would turn from God instead of to him.

I guess that means that I need to work harder on my relationship with the Lord RIGHT NOW!

Lots of prayers being offered up on your behalf and lots (((hugs))) being sent your way!

christy said...

Bless you Marsha. Thank you for listening.

Scott and Jaclyn said...

Praying right now,that this post reaches, and touches the hearts, of many who need it.

NCMom said...

Oh Marsha, your question is the million dollar one. "Will YOU turn to Him or from Him? Can you look past this present time and look to eternity?" It's a question that I struggle with as I go through life's journey.

Thank you for sharing your faith and encouraging others. Not only do you encourage, but you also tell others about Him. What a joy!

I have tears in my eyes... I marvel at the grace that has sustained you & your family.

I prayed often for your family yesterday.

beckypdj said...

Right now is always the time to start.
Hugs and love to you.

Michelle said...

I pray that this heartfelt post reaches MANY people. It is beautiful.
Sending you love, Marsha.

Michelle

Anonymous said...

Thank you for changing this Mommy's perspective. I only hope I would run to Jesus Christ and not away. Thank you for sharing your journey and your love for the Lord!

Praying for your family!

Melissa said...

Yes! Yes, Lord! We do not have the mind of God. We only see with sinful eyes. He knows! He knows it all and has a purpose for it.

My son asked me about forgiving & forgetting and it brought to mind the fact that if we were to forget all that we endure, we would have no testimony to share. There would be no ministry, because everyone would be self-sufficient. As hard it is, and believe me,I know how hard that is,I'm so glad you shared your story and God's glory!

Remember! "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" (Psa 27:13-14)

Praying for you and with you, dear friend.

Grace in the journey,
Melissa

Jacque said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers to you dear Marsha~
I have to echo AnneMarie and others who have stated this: "You will never know, this side of heaven, how much these 444 days have changed *this* Mommy".

Sweet little Christian has changed the lives of the Dixon family, and I am thankful to know your family.

Love to you~

Weird Unsocialized Mom said...

One day, on the other side of eternity, God is going to allow you to see how many lives you've touched. You know that song "Thank You for Giving to the Lord"? Yeah, there may be some tears in Heaven that day, but they'll be the happy kind.

Thank you for being obedient. I hope my faith is strong enough to continue to love and trust even when the answer isn't the one I want. You're right, I need to be working out my faith every day so that it is strong enough for the days whenn it's tested.

Praying for you and your family.

Susan said...

Read this
http://www.fromthenarrows.com/2009/11/all-i-need.html
to see how you have impacted me.

Anonymous said...

love you Marsha...and sorry I had not seen this when I saw you today....big hugs....

I always thought when I saw you in person again I would tell you about how your posts have touched the heart of so many....

Instead....I stuck to the comfortable...the friendly...after all - we were in a mall....

but here in cyberland seems so cold to tell you....

I know that because of your loss....and the example of being obedient and trusting Him..I'm closer to the Lord...but I wish that it wasn't because of this my friend.

I am so happy you had your little one...but I ache for you, with you...and so wish I could take the pain away.

As you said recently..."finish it well".... I intend to live (and with God's help sometimes I will succeed) with a zesto that was missing before... I am no longer worried so much about the little things....only the big things...and I thank God with the kids each morning for another day as their Mom. I still raise my voice...and make lots of mistakes cuz' God's not finished with me yet....

So - it's not poetic....but I wanted you to know my heart is changed... I thank God each morning for the gift of another day...and pray for those experiencing the losses....

May God hold you soooo tight Marsha that you have no doubt that each breath had to come from him....

-Donna

Emily said...

Crying right now. I read your post aloud to my husband Jim and we both agreed that you have a ministry. I boldly told Jim that I would NOT be surprised over this last year that you (without knowing it even) have brought people to JEsus.

You have a strength that CLEARLY. totally...clearly....is not your own. It's from HIM. He shines through you. I put myself in your place and I want to throw up thinking about losing Nathan. That's what makes your story so poignant. It's the fact that no mother can withstand such horrific pain. That you stand UP because of Christ IN you. He's shining from you Marsha.

Thank you for the good cry tonight.

Amanda said...

{Hugs}

Andrea said...

The slough of despond. That may be the perfect description of what you've been through.

Alison said...

Beatiful- this post, your words, your example...
Thank you,
ali

Anita said...

Thank you, Marshie, for sharing your heart with us and for being obedient to what God laid on your heart to share.

My prayers continue...

Karen said...

My sister-in-law (who is friends with your sister) pointed me to your blog because of the season I am in now. I am so glad she did. I went back and read your old posts and my heart sank as I read what happened. But you know what? My heart quickly soared as I witnessed your faith and love for our Lord! I needed that example right now for my life!! Thank you for sharing and being so transparent!
God bless your sweet family....

Learning At Our House said...

Oh my goodness, Marsha! I am sure that took a lot of bravery to post. I know facing the hard details from that day must have been very painful. But, your testimony to the Lord is amazing!

Not only does it show how He has been there for you every step of the way, but you do such a great job of writing about it. How could someone read this post and not believe? I believe that God is using you and Christian to reach so many others. You are a true example of what He wants from us.

I would like to thank you for sharing this very personal experience because it has spoken to my very own heart MANY times! I spend more time with God, and I look at my life in a much more positive light.

Take care, Marsha. I think about you often.

Amy

EEEEMommy said...

To me, one of the most powerful quotes in the Bible is when Shadrak, Meshak, and Abednaego are about to be put into the fiery furnace, and they say to the king, "Our God is able to deliver us, but even if He does not..."

Even if He does not...
Such faith. True faith. Real faith. Saving faith.

May God continue to be glorified in you and through you. I continue to keep you in my prayers.

KD said...

One thing that has helped me the past two weeks is knowing that the Lord didn't plan Silas' life past Nov. 1st. He didn't plan for Silas to learn to read, tie his shoes, climb a tree, court a girl...... Silas' "appointed time" was Nov 1st. I know His grace is sufficient, and I know the pain is very real. It also helps me to read that someone feels like I do. www.kdforthecongo.blogspot.com

Denise said...

This is my first visit here, and what a post to read. You are amazing, and I am glad that you were obedient to post this. Although my heart is breaking for you, I am rejoicing in the testimony of God's keeping power. I can't wait to have time to read through more of your story.

KT said...

I came across your blog through Mommy Matters. I remember when she posted about Christian last year and I have to say every time I read your posts, especially ones like this I just feel such admiration for you. You are truly an amazing woman and your strength is beautiful.

Katie

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

Isn't it almost hard to wrap your mind around how much the Lord loves us? He was preparing you from the beginning and He has been there with you every step of the way.
I just want you to know I am always spiritually blessed by your posts such as this! The faith you have and how you've clung to the Lord are bright and shining examples of what it means to be a christian!

Kimmie said...

Thank you for sharing through your pain, through your loss, when you surely didn't want to. thank you for being transparent, when I am sure you must have wanted to crawl into a room, lock the door and pull the shades down and fade away. thank you for sharing this post and your faith, certainly God is using it for His glory.

Kimmie
mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted

RaD said...

Man. I wondered over from I Heart Faces and was a little confused when I first started looking at your blog. It said three boys.... then I read this post and my heart sank. Sometimes God's answers are not what we want, but I know that we never want to think it could happen to us or our family. I'm sorry it happened to you. One day God will show His purpose for this... the same day you are reunited with your precious son. Hold tight, you are a gift. Thank you for sharing this.

Dapoppins said...

I started to read this...because I know it is powerful, but I am going to sob and I don't want my kids, who are running about behind me, to see me crying (sobbing uncontrollably) at the computer.... so I didn't get more than the very beginning.

ccc said...

I do not know your whole story, but I know that God directed me to this post. I randomly directed myself to your blog from a comment you left on another blog and then, I (or rather God) randomly selected one of your posts that had been listed on the bottom of your page(I picked it because of the beautiful picture of your little boy peeking out of a box.
I have been grappling with so many issues and I do have a faith in God.
But, just before I got on the computer right now I begged God for something, fully confident that He would do what I want. But, in your post you write, "And what if My answer is not what you wish it to be?" Whoa! That stopped me in my tracks. God does not have to give me what I want, He will do His will, and I have to trust that He knows what is best for me.
Thank you for writing from your heart.