Sunday, June 10, 2012

1,384 days

Today marks 1,384 days without Christian.

When Christian was born, we never fathomed that we would be around to experience the date at the end of his dash.  We had 1,383 days with our fun loving, little blonde charmer.

And now it will always be more days without him than with him.

And I can't quite wrap my mind around that.
I know that when we get to Heaven, we will be together for eternity and all this pain and hurt and missing will be made right. MADE RIGHT. As in I won't be disappointed!  I have no idea how that will work or what this making of things right will look like... but what I DO know is this:

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." -1 Corinthians 2:9

Let me tell you, I love God!  I am not perfect and fail Him often, but I love Him.  I can't imagine sacrificing any of my children for another person, let alone a person that is wicked and undeserving, but God has done that for me. For me! Saved by Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Son of my Creator.  How can you not love the One that gives his life for you?

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.  -John 14:2-3

God is preparing a place for me.  I wonder if Christian gets to see any of this preparation? I wonder if God would ever ask Christian what color my kitchen should be. I mean, I love to cook and it gives me joy, so God would surely give me a kitchen, right?  Can a feast in Heaven be a potluck, but one where all the food is piping hot instead of room temperature?  It brings me such joy to eat and talk and hang out with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Would God laugh if Christian thought my kitchen should be orange polka dots? Lots of questions pop in my head when I think about what God is preparing.

I started writing this post with a measure of sadness in my heart. I have started and stopped and walked away and returned to the computer. I don't really know what to say about these numbers of days and milestones.

I guess I have a choice in how to face them... I can face them with sorrow and sadness for the number today that is greater than the number yesterday.  Or I can face them with gratitude.

I choose to be thankful for the 1,383.  This exact number is definitely not what I would have chosen for myself, for Christian, for David, for my other boys... But God sees further down the road than I do. He will make things right. He is preparing a place for me. He told me so!

And as I didn't know how to face this day 1,384, I knew to Whom and Where I should turn for the answer. To God and to the Bible.  That is the only TRUTH there is in this world.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.  -Philippians 4:8-9

I began with a date and numbers and a heavy heart.

And then through His Word, God reminded me of His plans and love for me. He reminded me to look forward and see that this world is temporary. This heartache is temporary.

Whatever hurt or trial you are going through, whatever loss you are mourning, remember that this world is not all there is. If you have believed on Jesus Christ, the best (better than your life has ever been, better than you could have ever dreamed) is yet to come!  God will make all things right. Keep trusting Him.  Look to the Bible for the Truth you seek.  You won't be disappointed.


Homeschooling Katt said...

Marsha, you wise words of inspiration always leave me in awe and teary eyed. My heart breaks for you and your family each time I think of your great loss. I am inspired at how you continue to lean so firmly on your faith.
Though we have never met face to face, I feel you are a dear frind I've had forever.
Love you bunches, dear friend.
Vicki Crouse

Diane said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. As usual, it's so encouraging. I have to honestly tell you that I still think of your family from time to time. I always pause and pray for you guys and wonder where you are and I'm sure CHristian is on your mind at that moment. I picture your reunion with Christian and my heart begins to swell.
I love you, my sweet blogging sister.

Susan said...

Thank you God that the best is yet to come. God knows your heart and knew that he could trust you with such a deep sorrow that through it you would point others to him. I just know he is going to say well done good and faithful servant.

Anonymous said...

Sending you *hugs* today.

Cindy said...

Love you, Marsha. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Ditto was Vicky Crouse said. I couldn't have said my feelings any better than her.

Suzanne said...

I'm reading and crying and loving you from here.

Angela R.. said...

I just found your blog tonight. Thank you for your honesty & encouragement. May God comfort you as only he can.

Beautiful blog!

Dawn said...

Oh what a milestone. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Thank you for more cleansing tears in the journey of grief. Josiah has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. I'm working on a ministry brochure with a dear friend from our church - who would have thought 12 years later, Josiah would still be touching lives. We read the poem "The Best Is Yet to Come - Keep Your Fork" at Josiah's memorial service, so when I read that in this post it put a big smile on my face. Thank you also for reminding us all that the heartache is only temporary...that is such a comfort! I love you Marsha and send Hugs of JOY to you and your precious family. -Dawn

ali @ an ordinary mom said...

Oh, Marsha! I'm still so sorry for every ounce of your hurt and pain, and yet I'm so happy for you that you are who you are- a woman with such precious faith...
I think about you often, praying, I just wanted you to know that (((hugs)))

Tasha said...

I am in such awe, and am so encouraged and inspired by your faith. Just as I was the first time I stumbled upon your blog. I'm really struggling at the moment. Not with anything as hurtful as losing a child, but God is working HARD on me right now. And so is that other guy. The last couple of lines of this post are like a cool drink to my dry mouth.
I am excited for you to one day be reunited with Christian, and I really hope we all run into each other up there if we never get the chance down here!

Christine said...

I was so sad starting to read this post. Then it turned to excitement. You're ABSOLUTELY correct....who can't love someone who gave HIS own Son to die for us? I love God with all of my heart too. I SO look forward to Heaven. Can I say...I know God knows I don't have a green thumb....surely He won't give me a yard. :) I love you!

Leanne said...


SOOOO good to see you posting again! My heart leapt when I saw your new post!

I heard something at church yesterday, and it was this: we are not expected to rejoice in our circumstances, necessarily, but we are to rejoice in the LORD Who made the circumstances and Who is with us through them. WOAH! I had never thought of that before!

I love how you always turn your contemplative posts into an evangelistic tool. I love how you show the gospel by your use of scripture and your kingdom mindset.

Thanks for this reminder!


Anonymous said...

I loved hearing what's truly on your heart about sweet Christain I know it's still very soon and hard for you I love you and thank you for being a great friend to me and helping and talking with me in the loss of my baby girl I wish things were different but Cierra wasnt mine I just carried her for him and God had better plans for her and Christain both we don't what they are but they are safe in his arms and not living in this God hateful world I love you and praying for you

Brenda said...

Dealing with fear tonight and these verses spoke to me. Thank you for pointing us to God's Word.

Amy Beth said...

**hugs** dear Marshie!!

Melissa Stover said...

such a sweet little face. i can't imagine the ache ever going away.

EEEEMommy said...

Psalm 139 tells us that every one of those 1,384 days was ordained by God for Christian and written in His book before there was even one of them. I wish for your sake that God had ordained more days, I don't understand why He didn't. But there is great comfort in knowing that no one and no thing can thwart His plans. Those 1,384 days with Christian on earth and the 1,385 and counting, without him near you, pale in comparison to eternity. You just keep fixing your eyes on that and keep giving God the glory and keep seeking Him.

It's beautiful how you continue to testify to His goodness and grace and of His great promises. May many come to know our Lord and Savior because of your faithful witness. Maybe they'll even end up in your heavenly cul-de-sac. Won't Christian be excited to meet all the people who came to know his Jesus because his Mommy loved him enough to share her heartache and sadness and joy and faith with so many!

I look forward to many heavenly potlucks with you and your precious boy. I anticipate deep chats over the most divine coffee in your polka dot kitchen. Heaven is going to be wonderful!

Even so, Lord Jesus, quickly come. Maranatha.

Grace and Peace,
With Much Love, Respect & Admiration,