Sunday, May 12, 2013

almost made it through mother's day

I almost made it through Mother's Day 2013 without crying.

It started while I was grabbing a few things at the grocery store tonight after church.  Out of the blue, my chest started to tighten and that familiar swell of sorrow threatened to rise up.

Nope, not tonight. 
Not here. 
I'm not in the mood to deal with this right now. 
Wait until I get home, wait until after the kids are in bed, just wait!

So I pushed it down and tried to think about whether I should buy that cut of meat that was packaged yesterday instead of today... what pasta shapes the boys might prefer... Ahhh... shapes...

The night before Christian died, I let him choose which shape of pretzels we should get at the grocery store. He decided on the small pretzel sticks, squealing with delight and holding the bag all the way home. The next morning, he begged to eat pretzels for breakfast!

{I'm glad I said yes.}

When he was still missing, us not knowing he was already in the arms of Jesus, I looked down at my feet and saw the broken pretzel sticks that had fallen from his hands that very morning.


Push the image away, change the channel in my brain, and leave the store quickly.

But after the kids are in bed, I can't hold it back.


David mutes the TV and asks what is wrong.

It's nothing.

That's an awfully big sigh for it to be nothing...

And he's right.

I cry.
He holds me.

I need to sit in the grief moment and take it in. Holding onto it is the only way to release it.

And when the moment's tears are spent, we go back to what we were doing, all too familiar with this routine of unexpected tears.

Psalm 103 keeps going through my head... and I am thankful for the calm that it brings to my heart...

Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

Prayer in verse, prayer in song, running through my head as I drift off to sleep...
Thank you, dear God, for your Word... always timely, always relevant, always near to my broken heart.


Gwen T said...

I was just praying today for moms like you who also have grief on a day like today. I know you have 3 sweet boys here on earth so you have a lot of joy mixed with grief. Praying the Lord gives you strength, Marsha.

Christine said...

I love you so very much.

Shannon Wallace said...

Hugs, Marsha. Big hugs.

Yes, Mother's Day is emotional. I wish it could be by-passed altogether.

Thank goodness for Jesus grace and peace!

Dawn said...

I was shedding tears with a mom this morning who recently had a miscarriage. Oh Mother's Day is a hard day for all of us who have children in Heaven. I LOVE what you said, "I need to sit in the grief moment and take it in. Holding unto it is the only way to release it." Even 13 years later, I still shed a tear, even after being so blessed by the rest of my precious family. The heartache never disappears. I love you, Marsha, and I am so glad the Lord brought you into my life. Hugs of His JOY! x0x0x0

Jacque Dixon said...

You are an awesome momma and such a strong woman. Even in your weakest moments, they are so full of the strength of who you are.
Love you friend.

Lainie said...

I love you.Thank you for posting- reminds me to never stop praying...

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you my friend. I'm praying for you. I appreciate your honesty, and how you always turn the focus back on God.