Saturday, November 12, 2011

Another Birthday and Unfinished Cornices

Three years ago, I never could have imagined meeting this day-- Christian's 7th Birthday. Three birthdays with him and now four without him.

Grief and tears were a huge part of every breathing moment back then.

Today, grief is still present, but the burden is not so heavy and it doesn't threaten to consume me like it once did. Tears which were once a constant stream now only burst forth unexpectedly... like when another mom's blonde headed 4 year old boy looks up at me at the grocery store, when It is Well with My Soul is the church hymn, or when a towel is brought out of storage still bearing the scent of baby powder and blue eyed boy. (Oh how I miss even the smell of him. Although at 3, he smelled more of dirt and fwogs than baby powder!)

Thank you, Lord, for giving me Christian's birthday to celebrate. The day of his birth brought such excitement and wonder to our family! Thank you for the joy of being called mommy. Thank you for carrying me through three years of grief with my family intact. Thank you for giving me an eternal perspective, even on the days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and be swallowed up by my sorrow... You have never left me and you have always lovingly reminded me that I can trust you and look to the future with HOPE.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

There is an Orthodox Jewish tradition of leaving your house unfinished as a reminder that this world is not our home, that we are pilgrims here.

I am not Jewish but I have my own unfinished cornice to remind me...

...I am not a Settler, but a Pilgrim.

To be daily reminded of the eternal is a blessing of brokenness.

It helps me to keep my focus off of the here and now, off of the missing, the longing, the aching. It makes me look to the future. It encourages me to seek not only God's plan for my day, but seek His purpose for my life.

"The one true God does not promise to take your pain away. Instead, He promises that in the midst of that pain, He will change your life. He will give you real life, a life in which you can experience true joy side-by-side with hurt and agony."
- Rick Taylor, When Life Is Changed Forever

I am different now. I am forever changed. It continues to be the most difficult thing to endure in my entire life, but it has been for the better.

Happy 7th Birthday, Christian! When I see you again, may you find me even better than I was when we were last together.

I love you.


Gwen Toliver said...

Thank you, Marsha, for being a shining example of Lam. 3 -- it is because of His love that you are not consumed. You are a beautiful reflection of Christ.

I'm praying for you especially as you remember your precious Christian's birthday. May the Lord continue to overwhelm you with His strength and peace.

Nancy ~Lessons Learned on the Farm said...

Beautifully written, Marsha.

One day I was talking to an Amish guy down the road and he was telling me about some Amish kids who had been hit by a car and killed while riding their bikes. I was giving my condolences, but he said something much like you've written - about how it helped to keep eternity as the focus.

I'll have to google that book by Rick Taylor. Sounds like a good one.


Sam said...

Now I am crying again. Much love to you. I also have been going through things that my husband believes is to remind me of the eternal goal. God must not want me getting too attached here. The tradition is a wise one.

Brenda said...

Oh sweet boy. I've been wondering how you've been doing lately. Your son is beautiful and I can't wait to meet him and see you two together! :)

Tracy said...

Awe! So precious and what a day that will be when you meet again!

Christine said...

Thanking God for Christian's birthday. Our lives are better for having him in it...even for a short time. One day though, it won't be a short time, but an eternity. I love you, Marshy!

Dawn Camp said...

I know it will never be easy, but I'm thankful for you that it's easier to bear. Love you, sweet friend!

Christi said...

What precious memories for his birthday. Thank you for sharing so openingly and being that Christ-example. I needed that today!

Sprittibee said...

I love you woman. I guess I needed a good dose of tears today. (((hugs)))