yo, it's my birthday

Today I am 37.

Whether that is really old or really young depends on my mood and how my day is going.

Easy day = young

Rough day = old

It is 1:00 AM here and I am feeling OLD at this moment.

Noah was the first to bring him up. He was the first to say that he missed Christian.

We can't help but think of Christian when there is a major celebration or family moment to be marked.  We can't help but think of Christian when the hour grows late and our bodies are tired.  We can't help but think of Christian when we look at Ian's face or kiss his chubby chipmunk cheeks.

Holding Ian and hearing his baby coos fills my weary heart with smiles and unexpected joy.  How can I be both sad and happy? Empty and full? Weary and hopeful?

When I think of God's promises, I am reminded that He does not promise us that we will not have trouble and sorrow in this life. But He does promise to be with us and bring us through the trial without being consumed.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
-Isaiah 43:2

We grieved for almost 3 years before God gave us the hope of Ian.  Three years of grief not brightened by the hope of this child that might not have been had his big brother not passed away.

But he is here now.  And I am thankful.

I am thankful for the gift of all my boys-- Austin, Noah, Christian and Ian.  I can't wait for all of us to be together for the first time.  Now that will be an occasion to celebrate!

my 5 favorite baby items

New baby products come out every year. Companies spend tons of money trying to convince moms and dads that they are less of a parent or don't love their kids enough if they don't get the latest and greatest stroller, carseat, baby gear, outfit or toy.

Although I'm of the mindset of less is more, there are a few new baby items that I have been loving lately!

1. Fisher Price Rock N Play Sleeper - If you get this, you will love it and your baby will love it and their head might get wonky if they love it too much so be sure to also get this noggin nest.

This is where Ian usually naps. Portable, comfy, and makes him happy.

2. Zippered Sleepers - Easy on, easy off. Night or day.

3. Twist and Fold Activity Gym - When babies are just getting out of the sleep 23 hours a day stage, you end up needing one more "station" to capture their interest so you can brush your teeth, pee, or help someone with their math.

I love the colors and that it folds up.

Ian likes the mirror and hits the toys with his hands and feet.

At the same time.

He's advanced.

#1 in his class! :)

4. Muslin Swaddle Blankets - A little pricey, but these blankets are generous in size, wash up to super softness, and are perfect when the temps are a little on the warm side.

5. Medela Freestyle Breastpump - Oh my goodness, this was a lifesaver for us! Medela makes the best pumps ever. When Ian was in the hospital for 2 weeks, this bad boy (the pump, not Ian) worked tirelessly every 3 hours. Nothing like good ole breastmilk to fatten and grow a wee little one into a chunky monkey!

And this little number is worth the extra money for the sheer sake of being able to toss that LITTLE square pump into the diaper bag, your purse, or pretty much anywhere. Rechargeable and easy to use, I keep it in a little tote so I can pump in the car if need be.

I also throw in this nursing cover to keep other people's uncomfortableness at bay. Some people call them hooter hiders which totally makes me *snort*.

We're not to the Bumbo stage yet, but I am shocked in both good and bad ways at all the new fangled baby things that are available.

Do you have a new favorite? Is there something you wish you had back in the day? Any must-have's that I'm missing out on?

passport

We applied for Ian's passport this week. It was a bit of a drawn out process as you first have to have the hospital birth certificate, then the official Guam birth certificate, apply for a social security card, and then finally apply for a passport. [Insert appropriate amount of island lag time in between.]

Want to see his mug shot?

{ I laugh every time I look at this shot! I wonder if he will hate it when he's older? }

Here on Guam, you don't go to the Post Office to apply for a passport. You go to the Department of Revenue and Taxation, which is a big warehouse of a cinder block building that houses all the government agencies that deal with money, tags, licenses, passports and who knows what else.

Oh Guam with your old school posterboard signs, you make me laugh... See them up there on the left wall? :)

The lighting is not the best. An eerie grayish green glow is cast on everything. Kind of scary, isn't it? Reminds me of those stupid zombie shows.

We should get little Coconut's passport in a month or so, just in time for our trip to the mainland in May (woohoooo!).

If you could travel to any place in the world, where would you go?

Bali is sounding really good to me right now.

pecan pie muffins

I have been on a wee bit of a muffin binge lately and had to ground myself from making more. (Can there be such a thing as a wee binge?)

I am amazed at how 5 ingredients can create the. best. muffins. ever.

No joke, y'all. You have to make these and then tell me what you think!



PECAN PIE MUFFINS

1 cup brown sugar (light or dark, your preference)

1/2 cup flour

1 cup pecans, chopped

1/2 cup butter, melted

2 eggs

1. Preheat oven to 350 and grease/flour muffin tins.

2. Mix dry ingredients together, breaking up any brown sugar lumps.

3. Add melted butter and eggs to dry mixture, mixing well.

4. Fill muffin tin 3/4 way full and bake at 350 for approximately 20 minutes. Reduce heat and time if using dark metal pan.

5. Immediately dump muffins out and let them cool upside down. This creates a nice caramelized crunch to the outside of the muffin.

Yield: 12 muffins

{Speaking of yummy, I just want to eat this little chunky monkey up!}

psalm 3:3

I wake up in the middle of the night and peer closely at the video monitor, waiting to see that reassuring rise and fall of his chest. As my eyes adjust and focus, the first glimpse of baby breath makes me realize that I have been holding my breath in the waiting as well.

Thank you, Lord, for this child, this measure of joy so undeserved. Help me to not be fearful. Help me to trust you in every moment and with every treasure.

what my kids need from me

[ Ian at 2 weeks old; not relevant to post, I just like it! :) ]

Do you ever have those days when you think you are the worst mom ever?

You feel like you are constantly getting onto them for the same old thing... brush your teeth, quit hitting your brother with that light saber, what do you mean you can't remember how to find the area of a rectangle?!, sit up straight, focus!!!, food trash only goes in the kitchen trash can, use a napkin not your sleeve, don't use that tone of voice with your brother...

... over and over and over again.

I just began reading the book 52 Things Kids Need From a Mom: What Mothers Can Do to Make a Lifelong Difference by Angela Thomas.

Since I am such a rule breaker, I jumped ahead to peek at what was up ahead...

Chapter 11: Kids Need Their Mom... To Miss a Few Things They Do Wrong

Ouch.

It is so easy for me to be the people police. To monitor my boys' every move and every word.

Yup, nitpick them in an effort to mold them into perfect adults in miniature form. Can I get more hypocritical? *I* can't even get through a few hours or the day without messing something up or being selfish. What in the world am I thinking to have that expectation of perfection from my children?

It just leads to disappointment and stress for everyone-- myself and my kids!

So tomorrow I am skipping ahead to put into practice Chapter 11 (even though I haven't read Chapter 1).

I do not have to see every thing that they do wrong. Even if I do see it, I don't have to call them on it.

Nag less, extend some grace, focus on the big things, and as cliche as it sounds, don't sweat the small stuff. My perfectionist tendencies need to take a back seat to the relationship I am cultivating with my children.

Do any of y'all struggle in this area? Any advice you want to share with me?

breaking the ice

I have found that I need this space here.

I need to write, post pictures, and get otherwise random things out of my head.

[ Chai Cola tastes like Christmas!]

I think in words and pictures but have been having an incredibly difficult time making them coherent enough to share.

And the more time that lapses, the more difficult it becomes.

[Boo to this syrup... even Austin noticed it had a certain sliminess to it.]

So this is me writing a little nothing just to have something out there to start the ball rolling.

What have y'all been up to?

psalm 19:1-3

The heavens declare the glory of God;

and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

Day unto day uttereth speech,

and night unto night sheweth knowledge.

There is no speech nor language,

where their voice is not heard.

-Psalm 19:1-3

Sun breaks over horizon, dimming the blanket of stars, as stubborn crescent moon fights to shine on a while longer.

How can anyone see this and say there is no God?

Hellooo, Ian!

Over three years of praying and hoping... and here you are!

Our gift from God.

January 13, 2012

6:45 pm

4 lbs 15 oz

17 inches long

We were surprised when you decided to join us 6 weeks early.

Two weeks in the NICU and your big brothers were only able to see you twice through the window.

When you finally came home, they couldn't wait to hold you and touch you and kiss you!

Halmonee and Grandpa flew halfway around the world to see you. I was so glad that you were able to come home before they had to leave to go back to their home!

Daddy can hold you for hours on end.

And he does.

Welcome to the world, little coconut!

Merry Christmas from Guam!

As we end our Christmas Day here in Guam, most of our family and friends are waking up to begin theirs.

We had fun Saturday evening with friends and didn't end up opening gifts until we returned home at almost 11pm! Christmas program at church this morning and a quiet family day together. It has been rather uneventful and was probably the most low-key Christmas we have had in forever.

Thank you for praying for us! I only had one sobbing breakdown after Austin and Noah opened their gifts... It just went by too quickly and peacefully. I cherish their thank you's and hugs and kisses after each gift. And I wish that there was a rowdy 7yo blonde boy in the mix to liven things up and maybe cause a little trouble. The days leading up to this weekend were definitely more difficult than the weekend itself-- and for that I am thankful.

We never stop missing Christian, but praise God that it has gotten a little less hard over time. Learning to live joyfully side by side with sorrow is indeed a gift and only possible through God's mercy and grace.

I also want to ask you, dear friends, to please continue to pray for the Sims family as they mourn the loss of 4yo Josiah Courage, who passed away earlier this week.

My heart is so heavy for them.

The following excerpt from Streams in the Desert ministered greatly to my heart on our first Christmas without Christian.

A few years ago a striking Christmas card was published, with the title, "If Christ had not come." It was founded upon our Savior's words, "If I had not come." The card represented a clergyman falling into a short sleep in his study on Christmas morning and dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream he found himself looking through his home, but there were no little stockings in the chimney corner, no Christmas bells or wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort, gladden and save. He walked out on the public street, but there was no church with its spire pointing to heaven. He came back and sat down in his library, but every book about the Savior had disappeared.

A ring at the doorbell, and a messenger asked him to visit a poor dying mother. He hastened with the weeping child and as he reached the home, he sat down and said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended at Malachi, and there was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and he could only bow his head and weep with her in bitter despair.

Two days afterward he stood beside her coffin and conducted the funeral service, but there was no message of consolation, no word of a glorious resurrection, no open heaven, but only "dust to dust, ashes to ashes," and one long eternal farewell. he realized at length that "He had not come" and burst into tears and bitter weeping in his sorrowful dream.

Suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing in his church close by:

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;

Come and behold Him, born the King of Angels,

O come let us adore Him, Christ, the Lord.

Let us be glad and rejoice today, because "He has come." And let us remember the anunciation of the angel, "Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, for unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord" (Luke 2:10-11).

Merry Christmas from Guam!

And Merry Christmas from me! :-)

Thank you, Lord, for coming down in humble form to give us a future and a HOPE!