It broke my mommy heart, y'all.
There was nothing I could do or say to make the pain go away. No band-aid or popsicle could fix the wounded heart of this 10 year old boy missing his baby brother.
So I did the only thing that I could. I hugged him back. Hard. I gave him a kiss. I told him that I miss Christian too. I held him close and prayed for God's comfort. (Only God can be the true Comforter to him.)
I asked Austin if he wanted to sleep with Christian's dog-- this giant of a stuffed animal that Christian used to lay and climb on. I was surprised when Austin answered "No."
Instead, he asked if he could sleep with this... a token that a friend left at the cemetery on the 26th of last month.
Of course I said yes.
I watched my tender-hearted boy grab that bear that is half his size and haul it up to the top bunk. He keeps several pillows up there and carefully laid the bear on its own pillow. He scooted his pillow close so their heads would be touching. Then he took the comforter and gingerly covered up the bear first and then himself.
(This is the point where I just about lost it.)
There was something about the way he covered up that bear. I knew he was imagining it to be Christian. Wishing it to be Christian.
And quite frankly, so was I. Why does that bear and Christian have to share a similar hair color?!
I sucked in my breath, gave him another kiss, and held myself together long enough to make it to my own room. Then I fell on my bed and wept.
I am so glad that God hears my cries. I am so glad that He speaks to me in the midst of my tears. I am so glad that He reaches out His scarred hands and wants me to give my burdens over to Him! God does care for us and tells us to cast our cares upon Him (I Peter 5:7). When we do that, He gives us... peace.
That is what I can encourage my precious Austin to do. Because God cares for Him and hears his heart's cry too.
And not only mine and his, but yours as well.
My heart has cried out to God before. Twenty one years ago to be exact. I'll never forget that night, that moment when I saw my true self. Others saw me as a "good" girl but I knew the sin in my heart. I knew that I could never get to Heaven on my own merits. I saw how holy God was and knew that I could never ever be in His presence!
But then there was Jesus. His perfect life, his spotless heart, his endless love, and his great sacrifice on the cross. For ME. His glorious resurrection. His perfect example. For ME.
I asked Jesus Christ to save me from my sins that night. He gave me the gift of eternal life... and He gave me a new life.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. -II Corinthians 5:17
I gave my life to Jesus Christ. And for as long as I have breath, I want to live for Him and for His name to be glorified-- in good times and bad.
God hasn't called me home yet. But when He does, I'll be ready.
Are you ready?
I hope to always sing with sincerity "Glory to His Name"...
Down at the cross where my Savior died,Down where for cleansing from sin I cried,There to my heart was the blood applied;Glory to His Name!Refrain:Glory to His Name,Glory to His Name:There to my heart was the blood applied;Glory to His Name!I am so wondrously saved from sin,Jesus so sweetly abides within,There at the cross where He took me in;Glory to His Name!Oh, precious fountain that saves from sin,I am so glad I have entered in;There Jesus saves me and keeps me clean;Glory to His Name!Come to this fountain so rich and sweet,Cast thy poor soul at the Savior’s feet;Plunge in today, and be made complete;Glory to His Name!