Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The bear and glory

Last night before bed, Austin came to give me the requisite hug and kiss goodnight. He took one step back towards his bedroom and then turned around to give me a second hug. With his spindly arms wrapped tight around me, he began to cry "I miss Christian!"

It broke my mommy heart, y'all.


There was nothing I could do or say to make the pain go away. No band-aid or popsicle could fix the wounded heart of this 10 year old boy missing his baby brother.

So I did the only thing that I could. I hugged him back. Hard. I gave him a kiss. I told him that I miss Christian too. I held him close and prayed for God's comfort. (Only God can be the true Comforter to him.)

I asked Austin if he wanted to sleep with Christian's dog-- this giant of a stuffed animal that Christian used to lay and climb on. I was surprised when Austin answered "No."

Instead, he asked if he could sleep with this... a token that a friend left at the cemetery on the 26th of last month.

Of course I said yes.

I watched my tender-hearted boy grab that bear that is half his size and haul it up to the top bunk. He keeps several pillows up there and carefully laid the bear on its own pillow. He scooted his pillow close so their heads would be touching. Then he took the comforter and gingerly covered up the bear first and then himself.

(This is the point where I just about lost it.)

There was something about the way he covered up that bear. I knew he was imagining it to be Christian. Wishing it to be Christian.

And quite frankly, so was I. Why does that bear and Christian have to share a similar hair color?!

I sucked in my breath, gave him another kiss, and held myself together long enough to make it to my own room. Then I fell on my bed and wept.

I am so glad that God hears my cries. I am so glad that He speaks to me in the midst of my tears. I am so glad that He reaches out His scarred hands and wants me to give my burdens over to Him! God does care for us and tells us to cast our cares upon Him (I Peter 5:7). When we do that, He gives us... peace.

That is what I can encourage my precious Austin to do. Because God cares for Him and hears his heart's cry too.

And not only mine and his, but yours as well.

My heart has cried out to God before. Twenty one years ago to be exact. I'll never forget that night, that moment when I saw my true self. Others saw me as a "good" girl but I knew the sin in my heart. I knew that I could never get to Heaven on my own merits. I saw how holy God was and knew that I could never ever be in His presence!

But then there was Jesus. His perfect life, his spotless heart, his endless love, and his great sacrifice on the cross. For ME. His glorious resurrection. His perfect example. For ME.

I asked Jesus Christ to save me from my sins that night. He gave me the gift of eternal life... and He gave me a new life.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. -II Corinthians 5:17

I gave my life to Jesus Christ. And for as long as I have breath, I want to live for Him and for His name to be glorified-- in good times and bad.

God hasn't called me home yet. But when He does, I'll be ready.

Are you ready?

I hope to always sing with sincerity "Glory to His Name"...

Down at the cross where my Savior died,
Down where for cleansing from sin I cried,
There to my heart was the blood applied;
Glory to His Name!

Glory to His Name,
Glory to His Name:
There to my heart was the blood applied;
Glory to His Name!

I am so wondrously saved from sin,
Jesus so sweetly abides within,
There at the cross where He took me in;
Glory to His Name!

Oh, precious fountain that saves from sin,
I am so glad I have entered in;
There Jesus saves me and keeps me clean;
Glory to His Name!

Come to this fountain so rich and sweet,
Cast thy poor soul at the Savior’s feet;
Plunge in today, and be made complete;
Glory to His Name!


Miss Rachel said...

Oh Marshimallow... I am so sorry that Austin (and all of you!) have to live without Christian. I will be praying for you. :)

big (((((((HUGS))))))))) and ((((((((KISSES)))))))) to all of the Drews' family.

beckpdj said...

Such a wise mom to point your child to the true Comforter. Hugs to you and your family.

Lainie said...

{{{big hug}}}

Yes, He loves you...

Anonymous said...

Awwww Marsha, My heart breaks for you and your sweet family. Last night as I was tucking my 8 year old grand-daughter (Hannah) into my bed, she asked me if she could sleep with Grandpaw Bear and Grandpaw's robe, cause she was missing Grandpaw. (Grandpaw Bear is a stuffed teddy bear with a zippered pouch in his back. Inside of the pouch is a small Urn with some of Elgin's ashes in it.) She hugs the Grandpaw Bear in one arm and Elgin's robe in the other. If only "We" could be comforted like our wee ones. Much Love and prayers to you and your family.
Mrs. Lirette

Debbie said...

This broke my heart and made me cry like a baby, but I thank God for the peace that passes all understanding---no matter what age you are. I love you, Marshy!

Melissa Stover said...

that broke my heart too. your poor boys. how their hearts must hurt. you are such a good mama.

Annemarie said...

I read your comment you posted in reply to my dream early Monday morning and I have been praying for Austin. I cannot imagine watching my Andrew (10 yo) hurt like that. Sometimes, God's plan just doesn't feel perfect to me. It is these times that I am glad feeling don't equal faith. Because I know that it is perfect and that the imperfection lies in my eyes and I how see things during this moment. Today, I am praying especially for your boys and that God will use this to make them men that are tender toward Him. That He will bind up their hurting hearts with His peace.

Love you!

Ruthanne said...

I've tried to type three different things out and keep deleting - I guess I just don't know what to say. My heart felt tightly squeezed while reading of Austin's pain.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

One thing is for certain, God has chosen us to be a family-- David, Austin, Noah, Christian and me. And He has a plan for ALL of us... not just myself or David, but for my boys as well! And that plan includes this trial and even pain for my boys. I want them to grow under this burden and for God to do a mighty work in their lives and hearts. (Oi. I hope that doesn't sound too cliche.)

Anonymous said...

I am so sad for you and your family. I will never (in this earthly life) understand why God would take a child to be with him and leave the child's family so broken and hurt. But I do understand that I am not supposed to understand. I have faith that God works all things for good and even though that "good" may not make itself apparant here on earth; when we get to heaven, it will be revealed.
I have faith that God will wrap his arms around your family and comfort your hearts.
I have faith that all the "why's" will be answered when we get to heaven.
I have more faith because of your blog and what you have been writing this past year- so thank you and Glory to His Name!


Jacque said...

Oh, that broke my heart. Our children can be so "grown up", and then we see this, and we realize how little inside they really are. Then we realize how 'little' inside we really are, and how much WE need the Father.
May you be blessed with comfort and Shalom from the Father. Oh, I cannot imagine your heartache, but I know HE can.

Love and blessings and big hugs to you all~

Michelle said...

Marsha, now I've got tears spilling down my face, too. Tears of sadness for what you lost, and tears of joy that you share your new life in Jesus so openly.

I pray that God wraps his arms of love around you and that you FEEL His comforting presence.


Dawn Camp said...

I love you, sweet friend. I laugh with you and I cry with you.

Christine said...

I love you so much Marshy! I love my Austin too. Please give him the biggest, squeeziest hug possible from his CoCo Meemo.. I miss Christian so much..... desperately at times. I'm sitting here weeping while reading this because I can imagine how broken hearted Austin is. He is so sensitive like me. I love you all.

NCMom said...

As always I am amazed at your faith. May God continue to keep you & your family. Your faith is such an encouragement to me!

Disney for Boys said...

Thank you for the good cry.... your family reminds me so much of my own it is hard not to try to put myself in your shoes.

If I hurt for you all as much as I do, I can only imagine what you, David and the boys must feel.

I always remind the boys how very short this earthly life is. It truly is like a blink of an eye. We have so much to look forward to beyond this place.

Until then, there is so much work to be done. It blesses me to see how greatly the Lord is using you through all of this.

Press on toward the high calling friend!

Love you

rural momma said...

Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family.

Alison said...

Oh Marsha, this post made me cry too. Oh, the Lord has been so good to you and you have been so good to your children, they are so blessed to be yours as you are so blessed to be His.

Praying for you and yours-

SuperAngel said...

aww! Marshy... I just sat here crying for y'all! :'( my heart goes out to you, Austin, Noah, and Mr. Drews!

Heidi said...

You have wonderful boys...and they have a wonderful mommy!

Hugs hugs hugs

ali said...

Oh Marsha! There are just no words. I am still SO amazed at how much strength the Lord has given you. My heart aches for you and Austin,...your whole family. Your boys are TRULY blessed to have such a strong mommy willing to do to what ever you can to comfort them. God bless you my dear, dear friend!


Becca~CapturingSimpleJoys said...

Sitting here with tears rolling down my face. It just leaves me with no words. I think of you and your family often and pray for you when I do. Just wanted you to know...

Leanne said...


Deedee said...

Your boys are so blessed to have you for a Mommy! I know that it is harder to see our children's pain than to deal with our own broken hearts. Big ((((((HUGS)))))))) Marshie - Deedee

Anonymous said...

(wiping tears) OH MARSHA! ((HUGS))

Milk and Honey Mommy said...


Oh the plans God has for us. Sometimes, I just don't understand them, but know I must accept because He is who He is. This brought tears to my eyes and heartache for Austin. I pray for God's continued comfort for your family.

Anonymous said...

no words are sufficient....but it is wonderful that he is comminicating that to you....but I'm sad...and of course will pray ....but I wish - oh I wish....that it could be different...but wishes do nothing...so I'll just pray again my friend...hugs....big yellow bear hugs.... - donna m