Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Pressing On

Christian's birthday is this Thursday. He would be 5 years old.


As we started this new school year, I have often wondered where he would be in our lessons right about now. I am pretty sure we would've made this year his Kindergarten year.

We had already been working on letter sounds and recognition, so this year would've been spent tying those sounds and letters together with reading. When our kids finish their Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, they are rewarded with a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, their very own wallet and a library card. Oh, you also have to learn to write your name before you get these rewards. :) But then again, he always did things in his own special way so I'm sure he would've required some other method of teaching!


Sometimes I'm sad when I think about these things. Other times I smile thinking about how he would most likely be advanced and super smart for his age (of course!).

When we would go to Austin and Noah's soccer games, Christian loved kicking the ball around with David. We were all excited about Christian starting soccer that season! When we go to the fields now and look at the other little kids running around, we imagine Christian running circles around his opponents and celebrating many a goal (even if they don't technically keep score at that age).

Look at his great form!


Or perhaps he'd be losing his temper when someone takes the ball away from him. Man, did he have a temper! And yet you never got mad at him... it just somehow made you laugh. I'm sure that had a way of frustrating him even more.

But we just couldn't help it.





Today, I am just in a remembering kind of mood-- and with each thought and memory, the emotions are always double sided. Joy for having the gift of those moments mixed with sadness for unfulfilled dreams. Perhaps that is why the death of a child is so difficult. We mourn not only the loss of the presence of Christian, but we mourn the loss of the dreams we had for him as well.

I don't want everyone to feel pity for me and my family. Yes, we still covet your prayers, but... well... it's just that God has given grace in our journey. It doesn't mean we don't hurt, cry, grieve and throw an occasional fit. It doesn't mean that we don't need and appreciate the acknowledgement that Christian is missed by others, that we must surely be hurting, that no one has forgotten him. It just means that we go through all of these things with hope. The hope and assurance that only comes by focusing on the sacrifice that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, made on the cross of Calvary!

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Because when I focus on the Cross, I am reminded of what matters most. When I focus on the Cross, I stop feeling sorry for myself and can be thankful! When I focus on the Cross, I am reminded that Jesus innocently endured much for a guilty wretch like me (and you) and that God understands what it is like to be separated from His beloved Son. When I focus on the Cross, I am reminded that God has given us a purpose in this life-- to live for Him and to tell others about Jesus so we can have ETERNAL LIFE. No matter how long or short our life here on earth might be.

It gives me a real JOY in my heart to look at the things "which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor 4:18).

I am sure that some may wrongly think that I am a super-Christian or even whacko. I am neither.

I am just going through God's school, trusting His faithfulness in times of crisis, and pressing on.

24 comments:

Amy (Dandelion Seeds) said...

I love you... I just do... thank you for letting us walk though this with you in whatever way we can...

Praying for you every day... and sometimes more than that...

Lainie said...

May the Lord continue to bless you with more of Himself... thank you for sharing the hope you (we) have with those that may not know Him.

This is the verse I thought of as I read your post...

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12

{{{big hug}}}

Christine said...

I love you Marshy! I've been reminicing and looking through lots and lots of pics these past few days. We miss Christian desparately and remember him daily. I love you!!! You are the best sister anyone could hope for. I wish I could take the hurt away but I know that it's God's job to help you through this. And He has and is. Praying for you, David, Austin and Noah. MWAH!

Amy Bayliss said...

Oh I just love your heart. You are so amazing to me.. and yes, even a bit whacko at times but it is all in good fun! ;)

That picture of Christian crying and mad... priceless! I so want to grab him and hug him. He is just too stinkin' cute. How could you have been mad at him? I would laugh too! :)

I love you!

Debbie said...

I miss him--I love that little booger! I love thinking about throwing sticky balls, funny tantrums, excited gibberish...I can't wait to see him again and SO HAPPY to know that I will! I love you, Marshy and David and Austin and Noah.
Bobo

Melissa Stover said...

thinking about you a lot this week. i know you have hope and that's why i know you'll be ok. but i still hurt for you.

Bill said...

Stumbled upon your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. After the deaths of two children in my family (not my kids) I watched my family let bitterness take over. It destroyed them.

I am truly glad that you chose God's love and grace. Be Blessed.

Beckypdj said...

MarshaMarshaMarsha, I wrote a similar post last night. The "I wonder" can try to take over my thoughts, but I press on toward my Heavenly future.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Leanne said...

I enjoy it so much when you reminisce about Christian. It helps us to get to know him like you knew him...

I am so glad for the Cross too....

My heart hurts and rejoices for you too...

You are not alone.....

Hey, I just thought of something!!!!!!!

Janie would have been 5 years old too this year!!!!!!!! Now she and Christian are ageless in Heaven together!!

NCMom said...

Marsha,

You may not be a super-Christian or a whacko, but you certainly are an encourager. God is using your life & testimony/witness to encourage us to live better for Him.

For that I thank you.

Felecia said...

Thanks for always sharing your thoughts on this! It is special to read about someone else who's lost a loved, especially a younger one. ((HUGS))

Alison said...

Watching your walk of faith is humbling, convicting, encouraging, & inspiring, all at the same time! Love you!

Chasity said...

I have read your blog on and off for a good while. However, since last year I check in at least once a week or so. I really enjoy your cute post and love reading all your entries. I have twins (boy/girl) that will be 5 on Nov 30th. The girl has seen Christian's pic several times and thinks he looks just like her bubby. Our family has prayed for you all often and shed tears as you have grieved. I am not sure why I have not ever commented before now, but felt the need today. Please know that a family in Alabama lifts you up in the Lord often. HUGS through the miles.
Be blessed,
Chasity

Nancy said...

I always love looking at your pictures of Christian and reading your memories and testimonies of God's grace.

Thanks for being real with us. You're constantly in my prayers.

Karin Katherine said...

I too always enjoy seeing pictures of Christian and hearing your beautiful memories. Is it possible to long for a child you haven't met? You've really made me feel like I did know him and through your blog I still feel that I do.

Dear Marsha, I hope that came out right and you know what I mean. I continue to hold your family in my thoughts and prayers. Not out of pity but out of love.

Jimmie said...

Keep pressing on, sister. Amen.
I heard a wise man preach about an inspiring song. He said the first line was "Plod on." And the second line was "Plod on." And the chorus was "Plod on." Sometimes (all the time?)we just keep putting one foot before the other, plodding on in faith.

Gwen Toliver said...

Marsha - You are a blessing and encouragement to so many - thank you for sharing with us the wisdom the Lord has filled you with in the midst of your grief. I do continue to pray for you - may you continue to find Him faithful! (Lam. 3:19ff)

Sisterlisa said...

((hugs)) to you Marsha. I stood by my best friends side during the time she lost her 9 year old daughter. I can't imagine the grief from my own heart, but as a friend to the side of the situation I can say that over time you'll have more peaceful days in between the difficult ones. If God allowed us to bear the weight of our pain all at once it would be too much for us, So he bears the weight in the times that we can't. And he will never give us more than we can bear. Every milestone he would have had will bring feelings to the surface for you. But God is faithful.

Emily said...

:)

Scott and Jaclyn said...

Praying for you and yours. -Psalms 94:19

Dawn @ My Home Sweet Home said...

I know this must be such a difficult time.

I was talking about you at lunch today (sharing your poker chips idea with other homeschool moms!). Were your ears burning?

BTW, I've gotten to know you better this past year, and I think you may be more of a whacko than you think, but that's just your sense of humor. :-)

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

What sweet pictures~love the one of him with a big lower lip~when they're that adorable crying it's so hard to discipline:)

Hugs and prayers for you tomorrow...

H-Mama said...

This is my first time to your blog. {hoppin' over from The Homeschool Post} All I can say is... bless your heart! Wonderful pictures and even better memories to go along with them, I'm sure. Precious. ((((hugs to you))))

Annemarie said...

:-)

This post so vividly illustrates the change that has happened in my thinking. I never knew what it meant to really, really have an eternal perspective. You see, no one I had ever really known had died. I know that almost seems impossible to believe, but truly, Christian was the first person that I knew well, and I really felt from reading all your posts that I did know him well, that went home.

These months, praying for you, have changed my vision. I see so clearly now that these trials are momentary. Really. And that this life goes very fast. And that before we know it, we will be embracing our Savior! And it makes me excited. And sometimes a little envious of Christian.

God's grace is amazing.

~Annemarie