Wednesday, January 26, 2011

dream within a dream

It is 6:45am Thursday morning here in Guam. I had a dream within my dream last night.

I was in a very large closet holding a pair of slip on tennis shoes, red with black piped trim. I held them up and asked "Do you think these will fit you?"

"I dink so mommy!" pipes up from behind me.

Silhouette coming closer, face clear in view, it is CHRISTIAN!



My heart is almost bursting with joy, the kind that we used to have when I would look at my kids and husband and the laughter filling the room when they would all wrestle together on the bed. Dog pile on daddy!

I smile at Christian's dancing blue eyes, pale skin, light hair and he smiles back.

Something within me realizes that this is not reality. While it is what I wish it to be, it is not how things should be... Breath leaves me, spirit lowers, tears prick my eyes.

With the sound of Christian's voice fading from memory, I wake up again. Face to pillow, eyes still closed, the dream within a dream is replayed in my memory as I try to hold on to that fullness of heart, the distinct sound of his voice, how the word 'think' was emphasized by a slightly higher pitch and volume than the other words, the look of his eyes staring right into mine.

It is a sort of desperation. I don't want to forget!!!

Christian won't ever be forgotten but what of the details? The exact sound of his voice, the feel of his hair, how it was just a little lighter in some spots than others, how he had this little blue vein that would run across the bridge of his nose?

I don't want to forget. It is this fear that gnaws at me, grabs for me, threatens to pull me down. Ten years from now what kind of mother would I be that forgets her own child?!

As I sit here appreciating the gift of this dream, of the remembering, the crazy fears subside.

My friend Susan comes to mind. Yesterday would have been her son Joshua's 17th birthday. It has been over 8 years since her son, daughter and father passed away.

More years without her children than with them... and she still remembers.

She still remembers!!!

God gives grace in time of need.

Every. single. time.

Thank you, God for this grace of Susan's testimony in my time of need.

There is not one moment where God has failed me. He has always heard my cry and offered a way of escape.

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
-I Corinthians 10:13

Death and sorrow, disappointment and heartache, these are common things. Yes, it is new to ME, but to say that it is new to the world or unheard of is foolish. Even more foolish are those that live as if they will never die or that life will be void of suffering and pain.

As Christians, we should expect difficulty in life. Yes, God does bless--He has blessed me far beyond measure and far beyond what I deserve! I have JOY in my life and joy in the details and I am thankful.

Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life?
-Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

But it is not enough to just be thankful, we must also be ready. We are in a BATTLE, fighting for the King of Kings!

Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

Do not fear. We will win.



15 comments:

Christine said...

You will never forget! And even if you forget the details down the road, it doesn't make you a bad mother. But most importantly, the forgetfulness of the details here on earth are only for a brief moment. You'll have the real thing for eternity. Beautiful post! I know you treasure the dreams of Christian that God knows you need from time to time. I love you!!!!!

Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

"God gives grace in time of need." He sure does Marsha, He sure does. Such a wonderful dream.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

You are sooo right, Coco. Even if I forget everything, it is okay because we will be reunited for eternity and it won't matter then!

But oh how I am glad that He helps refresh my memory from time to time!

I love you!

Emily said...

Thank you for this beautiful post Marsha.

Isn't it amazing that a mom who is 8 years from the loss of her son can give you....a woman currently hanging out on an island...the comfort that she needs TODAY?

I am amazed. God is good. It's all like a beautiful, intricate circle and we're all in it at different points. (If I were feeling groovy I'd say, 'we're all holding hands)

I still think that your ability to write and express how you're feeling is a gift that many grieving moms don't have. Don't forget that even though it's been 8 years since Susan's tragedy, she was still useful in your healing process today.

I truly believe that you are going to be used in this way, through your words...however that might look.
I WANT to be your cheerleader!!

Mom2xamj said...

Beautiful written, Marsha! Thank you for sharing!

Leanne said...

Marsha, I know you've already gotten the reassurance that you needed from your friend Susan.....

But I feel the need to reassure you just a pinch more. This May it will be 7 years since our Janie died......

And I still remember the feel of her skin. I remember the downy softness of the dark hair on her head. I remember each of her tiny toenails, and the baby wrinkles on her knees. I remember, all these years later.

Do not worry.

I love you.

Heather@myeverydaygraces said...

I am so thankful for your blog, Marsha. I am going to tell my mother about the retreat in April. I just pray that she would be open, if not to this particular retreat, to something like it.

Beckypdj said...

Yes, yes yes!!! We win!!

I read about the retreat and was excited but..........it is tax season for me :( I can't get away until after April 15th.

We'll meet someday, I'm sure of it.

The details of your Christian are so precious.

Hugs to you.

Gwen Toliver said...

Such sweet precious memories of Christian. God is answering my prayers and the prayers of so many who continue to bring you before the throne - He is giving you grace and strength for every moment. AND the focus on eternity.

Dana said...

What a precious few moments in a dream. I have dreamed of Mattias only once, the day we came home from the hospital. He lay there in an incubator with the ventilator and all the monitors and tubes -- a way I never saw him in life. That is just how the nurse described he would look when they took him to room 201 after the surgery. His room was ready, the surgery was almost over. Ten minutes later, the doctors came out and said they couldn't save him, but in that first dream my mind placed him there.

Then the dogs barked and I started to wake up. Even in my dream, I was aware that this was as close to Mattias as I could be and I remember fighting to stay asleep, panicking even as the dream faded and I woke up.

My dreams now, when I have them, are weird. I know I'm dreaming about him, but he's never actually there.

LilTanGurl said...

awwww! :hugs: you will never forget because God gives you things such as your dream to keep him alive in your memory!
Love you! I haven't lost a child, but in a way I lost my family... I miss the lil's so very much... their lil' quirks and such. they touch of their hands, the feel of their hair, their lil' kisses and hugs, ya know... ='(
:hugs: love you marshymallow

Jen said...

I fear that I will forget my tiny little Morgan, too. We only got to see him for about 1/2 an hour after I delivered him, and the pictures we have are not very clear. I fear that I will forget that tiny little mouth, the impossibly small hands and feet, those microscopic toes... The pictures will help a little, but they do not show what he really looked like. I do know that even if I forget, I will recognize him when I get to Heaven.

Nancy said...

It's been eight years since my dad died and I can still hear his voice and remember his touch (he was a chiropractor). And as weird as it may seem, sometimes I feel like God shows me "new" insights about my dad that make me feel like I know him even better now than I did when he was alive.

I do find that I'm forgetting some details: his ship in the Navy, his story about the scar on his arm, etc... that make me want to journal all of the stories that I do remember, but I kind of like how God is allowing me to know my dad's heart even better than before.

Loreta Hodges--gma said...

Marsha--You'll never know how much your blogg means to me--just reading about all these dreams of Christain--caused me to stop and think--and remember dreams of mine about
Weldon, Terry---Oouchie Pa---and now Blaine will be added to that list---yes they can be a gift from God--
God has given you such a wonderful talent for writing--I'm sure many have been blessed by it as I am.

I never cease to thank Our Heavenly Father for the many Blessings he bestows on us.
Just never give up--let HIM lead and guide you always in all you undertake to accomplish. I'm sure God is proud of you also.
You
always seem to have the perfect scriptures that meet your thoughts.
May I always be able to ready your special words.
Thank you---Love G-ma

Loreta Hodges--gma said...

Marsha--You'll never know how much your blogg means to me--just reading about all these dreams of Christain--caused me to stop and think--and remember dreams of mine about
Weldon, Terry---Oouchie Pa---and now Blaine will be added to that list---yes they can be a gift from God--
God has given you such a wonderful talent for writing--I'm sure many have been blessed by it as I am.

I never cease to thank Our Heavenly Father for the many Blessings he bestows on us.
Just never give up--let HIM lead and guide you always in all you undertake to accomplish. I'm sure God is proud of you also.
You
always seem to have the perfect scriptures that meet your thoughts.
May I always be able to ready your special words.
Thank you---Love G-ma