when my heart is breaking

We went shoe shopping for Noah yesterday. There were so many adorable styles for little kids-- styles that Noah has long outgrown. He brought me a pair of red ones that he thought would be perfect for Ian one day. And then I found these fun Crocs that were in the shape of... well, crocodiles! And it made me smile for a moment.

Christian had a pair of black crocs that he loved to wear. They were in the shape of cars with little headlights at the toes.

We buried him in them.

The memory took me by surprise. It had been a long time since I had thought about the whole sucky process of deciding what clothes and shoes he should be buried in, right down to the red Power Ranger underwear. Agonizing. Heartbreaking.

All I could do was hold onto David and cry.

There are always those moments of tears and sadness that catch us off-guard. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty predictable on the calendar... and are exceptionally difficult for those that have suffered the death of a loved one. Just this year, so many new moms are dreading the celebrations that were once so FULL of life and happiness...

Even when we are still surrounded by blessings and new life, it makes the absence of that one precious soul even more profound.

It really sucks, y'all.

"The love of God a perfect plan

Is planning now for thee,

It holds a "future and a hope,"

Which yet thou canst not see.

Though for a season, in the dark,

He asks thy perfect trust,

E'en that thou in surrender "lay

Thy treasure in the dust,"

Yet He is planning all the while,

Unerringly He guides

The life of him, who holds His will

More dear than all besides.

Trust were not trust if thou couldst see

The ending of the way,

Nor couldst thou learn His songs by night,

Were life one radiant day.

Amid the shadows here He works

The plan designed above,

"A future and a hope" for thee

In His exceeding love.

"A future"-- abiding fruit,

With loving kindness crowned;

"A hope"-- which shall thine own transcend,

As Heaven the earth around.

Though veiled as yet, one day thine eyes

Shall see His plan unfold,

And clouds that darkened once the path

Shall shine with Heaven's gold.

Enriched to all eternity

The steadfast soul shall stand,

That, "unoffended", trusted Him

Who all life's pathway planned.

I have an heritage of bliss,

Which yet I may not see;

The Hand that bled to make it mine,

Is keeping it for me."

-Freda Hanbury Allen

Believe it or not, grieving mom, you do have a CHOICE when it comes to your thoughts and attitude. You can choose to fight for joy!

It is easier to make this decision ahead of time... Decide NOW that you will fight.

Decide NOW to start praying (and having your friends and family pray) that God will give you grace and mercy in the months ahead. As with all the other "firsts" in your grief, it makes a difference to prepare your heart in advance. It might seem impossible when you are even now, on a "normal" day, just barely surviving... but don't give up.

Yes, you have laid your treasure in the dust. But it does not end there! Although you cannot see past the dark bend in this road, there is MORE ahead... there is a future and a hope!

This life, this world, it is but a vapour that vanishes. You know all too well how fleeting life can be. The time with our children was never long enough. Jesus Christ died on the cross for OUR sins, for yours and mine. And when we ask forgiveness for our sins and accept his gift of salvation, he promises us eternal life. Eternal is forever!

If you have trusted Jesus with your eternal destiny, with the salvation of your soul, with FOREVER... how much MORE can you TRUST HIM with this life here? How much MORE can you trust Him to walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death? How much MORE can you TRUST His Word that a future and HOPE is coming? Right around the bend... though you cannot see. God spoke the world into existence and sees all from beginning to end. He that knows the number of hairs on your head, the One that wants to carry your burdens (if you would just let Him), loves you!

That is indeed worth giving thanks and worth celebrating.

This Christmas season, I pray that God will fill your heart with joy and bring to mind all the wonderful memories of your precious child... and rather than focusing on the missing of that laugh and smile, that you would focus on the GIFT that God chose YOU to be the mommy and allowed YOU to be the one to hear that giggle and see that grin on a regular basis.

He gave you the gift of your child! And through Jesus Christ, we will be reunited again...

Keep trusting and walking with Him. God cannot lie. We have a future and a hope... all because of Jesus!

belly, blanket and backwards bbq

{is it just me or is that picture up there so blurry it hurts your eyes?}

27 weeks!

Due to my history of early babies, my doctor is concerned about the high risk of preterm labor. I'm not having any contractions and I'm not on bedrest... Just taking it easy, staying on-island, and adding omega-3 fish oil to my daily dose of vitamins. With no NICU/PICU on the island, Ian needs to stay put for another 10 weeks. Will y'all pray for my little guy?

{I still can't believe I'm mom to 4 boys! Eeeeeeeeeee!!!}

My little sis had her second child this past week-- Jude Christian.

I am *sniff sniff* and honored that they would make Christian part of his name. Just writing that out makes my eyes well up with tears. {Thank you, Lele and JRay.}

This is the first niece/nephew that I have not seen almost immediately after birth. :( Hence no pictures of him to share.

But I did get off my butt long enough to make him a cute little doggie baby blanket. Yay me!

{It's a good thing the pic up there is resized, lest ye have the desire to zoom in and see the uneven stitches and laughable attempt at mitering corners.}

Many of y'all are enjoying the cooler temps that come with November. While living in Guam is a beautiful experience, summer is the season that lasts all. year. long.

It's warm, humid, and breezy here... So when you are wishing for autumn and the need for s'mores arises (and you live in a condo with an electric stove and no yard), you do what you gotta do...

Gather your supplies...

...and IMPROVISE!

A bit laughable but the results are still deliciously the same...

What is your favorite Fall treat?

And does anyone have any special tips or tricks for binding a quilt and getting those corners right?

romans 5:1-2

"Faith is a thread

Slender and frail,

Easy to tear;

Yet it can lift

The weight of a soul

Up from despair."

-Matthew Biller

Another Birthday and Unfinished Cornices

Three years ago, I never could have imagined meeting this day-- Christian's 7th Birthday. Three birthdays with him and now four without him.

Grief and tears were a huge part of every breathing moment back then.

Today, grief is still present, but the burden is not so heavy and it doesn't threaten to consume me like it once did. Tears which were once a constant stream now only burst forth unexpectedly... like when another mom's blonde headed 4 year old boy looks up at me at the grocery store, when It is Well with My Soul is the church hymn, or when a towel is brought out of storage still bearing the scent of baby powder and blue eyed boy. (Oh how I miss even the smell of him. Although at 3, he smelled more of dirt and fwogs than baby powder!)

Thank you, Lord, for giving me Christian's birthday to celebrate. The day of his birth brought such excitement and wonder to our family! Thank you for the joy of being called mommy. Thank you for carrying me through three years of grief with my family intact. Thank you for giving me an eternal perspective, even on the days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and be swallowed up by my sorrow... You have never left me and you have always lovingly reminded me that I can trust you and look to the future with HOPE.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

-I Corinthians 15:55-57

There is an Orthodox Jewish tradition of leaving your house unfinished as a reminder that this world is not our home, that we are pilgrims here.

I am not Jewish but I have my own unfinished cornice to remind me...

...I am not a Settler, but a Pilgrim.

To be daily reminded of the eternal is a blessing of brokenness.

It helps me to keep my focus off of the here and now, off of the missing, the longing, the aching. It makes me look to the future. It encourages me to seek not only God's plan for my day, but seek His purpose for my life.

"The one true God does not promise to take your pain away. Instead, He promises that in the midst of that pain, He will change your life. He will give you real life, a life in which you can experience true joy side-by-side with hurt and agony."

- Rick Taylor, When Life Is Changed Forever

I am different now. I am forever changed. It continues to be the most difficult thing to endure in my entire life, but it has been for the better.

Happy 7th Birthday, Christian! When I see you again, may you find me even better than I was when we were last together.

I love you.

what to say and beyond today

When I have the most to say, that is when words seem to escape me.

Bullet post to the rescue-- I just need to get this out of my head!

-My Uncle Blaine passed away on November 1st. Please pray for his wife Barbara and his sons, as well as for my G-ma. I can't imagine saying goodbye to three sons... and for my dad and Auntie Ann, who have said goodbye to three brothers.

Uncle Blaine talked about seeing my Uncle Terry, who had passed away in 2003... It just has me thinking... a lot...

-Christian's birthday is coming up. I can't believe he would be 7 years old. I am not dreading the 12th at all this time, but I am feeling emotional nonetheless. I'm not sure if it's being far away from family when there is loss, as well as when there is life (my nephew Jude is due Nov 13th!)... or if it's just a crazy hormonal thing (can you have PMS when you're pregnant?).

-Having three points here would make this post neat and tidy, but I don't know what else to say. My mind just goes back and forth to Blaine and to Christian and to baby Ian (who is kicking up a storm right now) and then to family and friends that have suffered deep loss.

Wandering thoughts and a restless mind makes me a little crazy. I think this calls for going to bed early and praying myself to sleep.

Isn't that the best way to end the day, handing all your burdens and worries over to the Lord?

If We Could See Beyond Today

If we could see beyond today

As God can see;

If all the clouds should roll away,

The shadows flee;

O'er present griefs we would not fret.

Each sorrow we would soon forget,

For many joys are waiting yet

For you and me.

If we could know beyond today

As God doth know,

Why dearest treasures pass away

And tears must flow;

And why the darkness leads to light,

Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;

Some day life's wrongs will be made right,

Faith tells us so.

'If we could see, if we could know,'

We often say,

But God in love a veil doth throw

Across our way;

We cannot see what lies before,

And so we cling to Him the more,

He leads us till this life is o'er;

Trust and obey.

-Norman J. Clayton

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

lamentations 3:22-23

I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning!

I don't have to rely on yesterday's mercy for today's troubles.

What God gives is fresh, timely, and relevant for right now, this moment, TODAY.

Our 2011-2012 Curriculum

This pregnancy has really put me behind schedule in a lot of areas of my life. When the goal of the day is to attempt to be out of bed for more than 2 hours and try to cook at least one meal without puking, one can see how some items related to homeschooling would be put on the backburner.

I am tardy in recording our 2011-2012 Curriculum by a mere 3 months. *cough, cough*

Pish-posh, right?

For the record, we have been educating our boys in the midst of moving halfway around the world, a pukey but precious pregnancy (in which I now feel great!), (me) freaking out (only slightly) about a certain child's venture into puberty, and the usual how can we start the new year when we haven't quite finished up last year?! debate within myself.

Onward, shall we? :)

AUSTIN - 12 years old, Grade 7

Bible:

The Ultimate Devo for Boys

Math:

Math-U-See Epsilon and Zeta

History:

Sonlight Core F Eastern Hemisphere (finish up from last year, then geography- see below)

Mapping the World by Heart (we will attempt this, might be too ambitious?)

Language Arts:

Writing Strands 3

Language Lessons for the Elementary Child 2 by Sandi Queen

5 Minute Daily Practice Grammar

Sequential Spelling for Adults 1 and 2

Science:

Apologia's Exploring Creation with General Science, Second Edition

Rock N Learn Human Body DVD

It's So Amazing

What's the Big Deal?

Foreign Language:

Rosetta Stone Latin Level 1 (Homeschool Edition)

Other:

Spectrum Test Prep 6 by McGraw-Hill Children's Publishing

Dr. Funster's Think A Minutes, Level C Book 1 and Book 2

NOAH - 10 years old, Grade 5

Bible:

Gotta Have God

Math:

Math U See Delta (completed 10/2011) and Epsilon

History:

Sonlight Core F Eastern Hemisphere (finish up from last year, then geography- see below)

Mapping the World by Heart (we will attempt this, might be too ambitious?)

Language Arts:

Writing Strands 3

Language Arts for the Elementary Child by Sandi Queen

5 Minute Daily Practice Grammar

Sequential Spelling for Adults 1 and 2 (if too difficult, will use different level)

Getty Dubay Italic Handwriting Book F

Science:

Christian Kids Explore Biology

Rock N Learn Human Body DVD

Foreign Language:

Rosetta Stone Latin Level 1 (Homeschool Edition)

Other:

Dr. Funster's Think a Minutes, Level B Book 2 and Level C Book 1

I do have a question for y'all.

We have Rosetta Stone Japanese Level 1 that I would like to implement, as tourism from Japan is a major economic force here in Guam. Have any of y'all done two foreign languages at the same time? Thoughts, please?

isaiah 26:3

Do you need peace in your heart? Are you discontent, worried, or weary?

Quit trusting in yourself and put your trust in our mighty God, the Lord of peace, Jehovah-Shalom!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

isaiah 52:7

Believe it or not, this is Hong Kong... the view from the Peak when you are facing away from the city!

Sometimes we all need to turn away from our busy lives and seek solitude. It is then that we can hear the still small voice of our mighty LORD.

to a Summer-land

The little birds trust God, for they go singing

From northern woods where autumn winds have blown,

With joyous faith their trackless pathway winging

To summer-lands of song, afar, unknown.

Let us go singing, then, and not go sighing:

Since we are sure our times are in His hand,

Why should we weep, and fear, and call it dying?

'Tis only flitting to a Summer-land.

-Anon.

Death is not dying.

Jesus said unto her,

I am the resurrection,

and the life:

he that believeth in me,

though he were dead,

yet shall he live:

And whosoever liveth and believeth in me

shall never die.

Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26