Wednesday, September 29, 2010

what do you choose to see?

When I am waiting to drift off to sleep, I find myself imagining...

Imagining the sound of the boys' bedroom door slamming and feet softly padding down the hallway and into our room. Looking up from my pillow, I'd see Christian standing in front of me with his thumb in his mouth and his free hand gripping his blue blankie close. I always made room for him to snuggle close to me, the top of his soft hair brushing against my lips.

If I imagine hard enough, can I bring back even a portion of the before-Christian-died feelings?




I hadn't realized I had these feelings of a whole heart,
completeness, and rest until they were gone.

Since then, my heart has been both broken and enlarged. Broken from the big piece that Christian took with him when he went to his eternal home. Enlarged from the exercise through tears, searching, studying, and learning the truth of the person of God-- WHO HE IS.

"I will run the way of thy commandments,
when thou shalt enlarge my heart."

With this exercising has come strength. With strength, endurance. And with endurance, the confidence that God will help me finish the race set before me!

I can't bring those old feelings back, no matter how hard I imagine. In fact, I can't even relate to them anymore. I am no longer the person that I was, untouched by real pain and sorrow.

God is a zealous Pruner,
For He knows
Who, falsely tender, spares the knife
But spoils the rose.

-The Pruner, by John Oxenham

No matter what our hurts are, we all have a choice.

I can choose to keep feeling sorry for myself and fall further down into despair. OR I can choose to take the hurt in my heart and turn it around! The pain that is now a very real part of me is a reminder of how far God has brought me from my old self.

Even my old Christian self.

I choose to acknowledge that He has done a mighty thing in growing me, in delivering me from my fears, and in changing my focus from the here and now to the eternal.

When I focus on the Cross, everything else gets put in its proper place. Daily I see the grace of God and am reminded of the fleetingness of life here on earth. That is the blessing I choose to see.

I am different now.

Whatever your difficulty or situation, what do you choose to see? Will you let it make you bitter or make you better?


16 comments:

Beckypdj said...

Amen. This is a great post and says exactly what I feel.

I still look back sometimes and miss the "old me" and our previous life. I always miss Peyton. But as you said, it is a choice.

As I go further down this road, I don't have to choose 500 times a day like I did in the beginning. Staying focused on the present and looking toward the future is easier.

Thank You Lord that we have a choice and the ultimate HOPE.

Love you.

Christine said...

I love you!

Amy Bayliss said...

Oh I just love you and I can't wait to be able to hug you for real!

Thanks for being so real with us and for being an example of hope and healing to so many.

Leslie said...

Oh, how my heart aches for your loss. But, you said it, the Lord will sustain you, grow you, restore you. What a blessing you are :)

Karin Katherine said...

AMEN. I love you. I'll be hugging you soon.
Xox,
Karin

Leanne said...

YES!

My heart, too, has been broken and enlarged! You hit the nail right on the head, and it's the perfect description.

I do not miss the old me, the me before Janie. I was a wretched person, and God broke me to build me up again, out of the million pieces that were me.

Thank God for that trying time! I never thought I'd say it........as much as I miss her, it does get easier and I'm so thankful for God continuing to refine me.

May you allow Him to continue to refine you to, my dear friend!

Love you dearly. Wish I could hug your neck right now.

Leanne said...

YES!

My heart, too, has been broken and enlarged! You hit the nail right on the head, and it's the perfect description.

I do not miss the old me, the me before Janie. I was a wretched person, and God broke me to build me up again, out of the million pieces that were me.

Thank God for that trying time! I never thought I'd say it........as much as I miss her, it does get easier and I'm so thankful for God continuing to refine me.

May you allow Him to continue to refine you to, my dear friend!

Love you dearly. Wish I could hug your neck right now.

Marmee's Pantry said...

Amen, Dearest Marcia, Amen! God's ways are such a paradox...it's a sad 'club' He's allowed us to be a part of, but we make such sweet sister-friends there.

Our Jessica would be 25 yrs old this coming Oct. 15th...hard to believe...it still seems like yesterday.

Blessings from Ohio...Kim<><

ali @ an ordinary mom said...

"When I focus on the Cross, everything else gets put in its proper place."

Exactly. Even though that focusing seems like such hard work sometimes... it changes our perspective, it corrects our perspective...

Emily said...

It's strange to think that that 'old' you wouldn't understand the strength of the 'new' you.

Annemarie said...

I love you Marsha. I have been praying for you this week. This post is true. Solidly true. Thank you.

~Annemarie

Ruthanne said...

Phew. I so needed to read this. I need to stop wallowing and start growing.

Your walk of faith points me to Christ over and over again.

Amy in Peru said...

It makes my heart swell to read you write this. I've prayed long for you my friend... and this heart 'enlargement' is the outpour of some amazing grace.

I love Him. I love you. :)

Thank you for choosing to trust and letting Him change you. You are an example.

amy in peru

5forjesus said...

Marsha, thank you for being so real and honoring the Lord in your journey. I guess I never really thought about it in this perspective - the "old" me before Josiah. It is frightening to think where I would be if the Lord hadn't directed our path. Praising Him for His perfect plan and for allowing our journeys in grief to intertwine. You are such a blessing to me all the way over here on the East Coast. Every single day we need to make the choice - bitter or better. As we were going through Josiah's pregnancy, I asked specifically for prayers that my heart would not turn bitter. It overwhelms me when I think of how much He has grown us through this journey. It's been 10 years for us and I still need to daily seek the Lord and choose JOY! Thank you for making the choice so easy today by pointing me in the right direction to our loving Saviour, Jesus Christ, where our JOY originates. Sending you cyber hugs of JOY JOY JOY! x0x0

Sheri said...

Oh Marsha.

Praying and crying for you.

Deedee said...

Dear Masha! So many don't realise that we are never the same again after our heart is broken by the loss of our child/children. Thank you for being such an example of a loving Christian woman of God! (((HUGS)))