Friday, August 26, 2011

3 years

It is nearing the end of August 26th here. We were blessed with 3.75 years with my sweet Christian and have now been 3 years without him.

It has been a very rough month emotionally. My dang diggity twitching left arm and leg have been driving me crazy. Christian has been on all of our minds more than usual, even for Austin and Noah who don't really associate August with sorrow.

The other night, Noah was sobbing in his room, new barrage of tears triggered by the memory of the moment when we told him that Christian was gone. I didn't know what to say... So I cried with him, holding him in my arms. It is hard being a big brother and not having your little brother around to play with or bother you.

He asked for a picture of Christian to keep in his room... I found an old Christmas postcard with our family picture for him to tape to his nightstand and he "borrowed" a picture from David's nightstand to place on top.

So much of this year is different from last year and that first year.
We are living halfway across the world.
We are anticipating the birth of a new Drews baby.
We have changed... I have changed.

Grief changes you forever. And when you trust God in your grief, He will walk with you and you will be changed for the better.

Will there still be tears? Absolutely! The hunger of loss cannot be satisfied this side of Heaven. It is a missing that goes unfulfilled. But there can still be JOY and you can walk with HOPE!

For those of you that are new in your grief journey, you will not always feel the way you feel right this very second. With God's help, it will get less hard! The laughter will return to your house and you will smile again. You won't ever forget your child, your friend, your husband... but in Jesus Christ, you will be comforted.

Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

-John 14:17-19

How do I feel today?


I can't explain it, but I have an overwhelming peace in my heart. A few tears today, but no anguish. No despair. No hopelessness.

And I know it is because so many of you have been praying for me and my family!

THANK YOU. Thank you for your encouraging comments, emails, FB messages, and cards. Thank you for walking this road with me for the past three years. Thank you for remembering Christian.

I miss his mischief.

I miss his muscles.

I miss his mess.

Yes, it has been 3 years since the day that my sweet Christian died.

But it has also been 3 years to the day that he truly began to LIVE!

Three years of him being in the presence of our Creator, being with the One who knew him even before I did... Three years of him seeing the face of Jesus Christ, who died for me, for Christian, for you. Now I am three years closer to being with my littlest man again.

I miss you, Christian. I have been watching this video of you laughing today.

Listening to your chuckle makes my face break out into a big smile! The boys have their own room now... we have been wondering if you would've liked your own room or if you would've insisted on bunking with Austie or Boah. I guess you already know that you are a big brother. :-) I wonder if Jesus has told you whether you have a little brother or little sister? Even if this baby is a boy, you will still always be our littlest man.

I love you.


The Schwizzy's said...

hello! i've been following your blog for awhile but this is the first time i'm leaving a comment. =) i admire your faith so much. God is so apparent in your lives. Hope the rest of your pregnancy and delivery go well! ♥

Bonita said...

Marsha, you are so beautiful and strong and you minister so much to others even in the midst of your own sorrow. Your Christian is so precious and his laugh made me giggle. I bet it makes Jesus giggle too. Thank you for sharing your pain so openly and with such a godly perspective. Praying for you every time you come to mind.

Amber said...

Marsha - This is beautiful beyond words. Thank you for so candidly sharing your heartache, loss, grief, and road to healing with so many others.

LilTanGurl said...

Oh Marshy! God bless you! You are such an example of true faith and the healing our God can give us. Praying for y'all! Love you!

Christi said...

I love your words about we still have tears and miss our children, but the joy and hope is our fulfillment. Thank you for the encouraging words. Praying for your family and a healthy little on the way.


Beckypdj said...

"the hunger of loss", perfect description for what we feel. I love you Marsha Drews and I am saying Christian's name today, not only for you, but for me and all the others who are waiting to see our children again.

Hugs to your world traveling family :)

p.s. I especially love the muscle picture.

GammySel said...

I love you my friend... Your words make me hurt and rejoice at the same time,,, hurt for your loss, but rejoice because I know you know that your Savior is with you, loving you and strengthen you through Him, like only He can.

I miss you so much. I wish we could stand next to each other with our baby bellies... We are living testimonies that the Lord hears prayers and is still a Lord of miracles.

Love you tons

Lorri said...

We are coming up on the 7th anniversary of the death of our daughter. I don't know how it has been 7 years. Everything you wrote resounded with me and I am so glad that you have faith in the Lord. We know this is not the end - that in fact our little ones are waiting for us and that one glorious day we will all be reunited.

Still, while we are here on earth our hearts grieve for all that was lost and all that will never be. I will pray for you and your family today.

Lainie said...

The anniversary makes my heart ache. The video makes me smile HUGE. The pictures make me teary eyed. And your quiet, confident declaration of faith, hope, and love makes me rejoice!

God has soooooo been glorified in your loss and in your grief.

Keep walking with Him, keep pointing to Him, and keep trusting in Him!

Love you, Marsha!

moreofhim said...

Dear Marsha: I am shedding tears for you. Little Christian is truly in a wonderful place with his Savior, but it still breaks my heart that he is not still with you. I also know, though, that you will see him again as sure as I'm sitting here. Praise God!

Your whole family is in my prayers and have been for these past 3 years. (Has it REALLY been 3 years? How is that possible?!) I'm so thrilled that the Lord has blessed you with a new baby! A precious gift!

I'm praying for you all today. You are on my heart always and I'm so thankful that the Lord allowed me to know you all these years and call you friend. :)

God bless you, dear Marsha!

Love - Julie

Susan said...

oh my goodness, what a cute little giggle and voice. Tears and prayers for you, but joy too that God has brought you to a place of peace. The peace that surpasses all understanding.

Deedee said...

Thinking of you today Marsha. Sending (((((((HUGS))))))) from across the 'pond'. Knowing that God is holding you all in the palm of His almighty hand! - Deedee

Jessica Tuttle said...

Hello Marsha....You dont know me nor do I know you, but I tend to have a closeness to people with the loss of a child. October 8 of this year will be my sons 5 year anniversary of his death. I never look forward to the month of October. I miss my sweet baby Jonathan more and more everyday, but I am happy knowing that he lays in the arms of Jesus and one day I will be with him again. I have 2 other children; Jason 7 years, and Jonathans identical twin brother is 4 years old. I look at Jason and Justice everyday and I am so blessed to have them with me. Justice was our miracle baby. We were told that we would lose Justice, but he beat all odds and is healthy at home with his family. Your blog just stuck out at me and I have to say you have a way with words. It was well said, better than I could have done. You spoke the words that I feel. So thank you. If you ever need to talk my email is
Thanks Again, Jessica Tuttle

Brenda said...

I am so glad you have peace. That could only come from our Saviour!! And I cannot imagine how much you have been through and changed these 3 years. Hearing about your other sons hurting breaks my heart.

Thank you for sharing and still trusting God.

Stephanie said...

Such a beautiful post! Thinking of and praying for your family today and always...God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Well now you have done it! You've just made me cry and thats so unlike me lol.I admire your strong faith.Christian is so blessed to have you as his mom!Until you meet with him again much love and prayers to you and your family.I think of you often and hope you are well.Love reading your updates!Stay blessed!

Sam said...

Praying for you and your family always. God is so good.

Leanne said...



Blessed be His name.

Miss you.

Cindy said...

Marsha, I continue to pray for you and your family. Your post is precious and moving from start to finish.

Natasha said...

Thinking of you and little Christian ♥

Christine said...

I love you! Give Noah a big hug for me and he can give one to you for me. :)

Dana said...

I was thinking of you a bit at the fair yesterday, Marsha. I don't know why exactly. I guess I knew the anniversary had just passed for you and I was thinking of my little guy at the fair last year.

Anyway, God bless and more prayers from here.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but I came across your blog and haven't been able to turn away. I wish you peace in you heart and know that your words are moving. This post has brought me to tears because your words are pure and true about our Lord. Thank you.

Brandi Wilson said...

I don't know what to say, but I wanted to say something. You've been such an encouragement to me. Reading your blog makes me feel hope for "laughter to return to my home."
Blessings to your precious family!

Toni said...

Hey Marsha,
I cannot believe it has been three years since sweet Christian went to be with Jesus.
Your blog was one of the first homeschool blogs I read and I remember feeling such sadness when I heard the news.
I'm so thankful you have peace.
You are such a blessing to so many. I remember meeting you for the first time (in real life) at Blissdom and loving your smile, it is contagious.
Continue to be a bright light! You are an amazing woman and I truly admire you.


Debra said...

Guam?! Wow Marsha, I've been away for quite awhile, I missed so much. And a baby on the way?! That is wonderful.

I'm jealous, I wish we could move away to an island. ;)

Will find you on fb.


Shannon Wallace said...

Peace...I am so glad you wre filled with peace on the 3rd year anniversary. I was too filled with peace on Ethan's 1st year anniversary. Yes, it's because of all of the dear friends that love and care and pray for our families, and the grace and peace our Lord provides. Indeed, our sons didn't truly start living until they entered Jesus' presence! Thank you for that reminder!

Erin@The Phillips Fam said...

crying with you! SUCH a sweet video. I can only imagine the things Christian and Ayden are getting into.. :)