plugging along

We are just plugging along with life around here...

+ 15 weeks prego, still pukey, and dying to have an ultrasound so we know if baby is a boy or girl. Boo hoo. I don't know how people can wait until baby is born to know-- I am too impatient for that! I think it would be just as much a surprise at the ultrasound as it would be at birth. Besides, knowing in advance helps with name planning... We are stumped as to what name we would use if we have another son. Are you an advanced finder outer? Or do you wait until birth to find out?

+ Shopping on this island can be quite frustrating. Three trips to the store and I still don't have buttermilk. But one thing that I am pleased to find here is a Motherhood Maternity Outlet! Woohoo for an extra 40% off sale prices! And they don't carry just Motherhood, but Pea in a Pod, Mimi and some others. My prego clothes are SO much cuter this time around! What do you think about today's maternity clothes? Cute, ugly or do you just buy bigger normal clothes when you're prego?

+ We started school this past week, even though I did not have the year planned out on paper. I know that if I wait until my to-do list is complete to begin with our lessons, school just wouldn't start around here until never. We still have a couple more subjects to incorporate, but so far, so good! Do you ease back into your school year or tackle it all from day 1?

I have more energy now than I have for the past couple of months, even though the nausea still gets me. Hopefully I can plug along with blogging once again. I miss recording our random life and connecting with friends. Facebook is easy and fun, but just not the same.

PS That picture up there is the first time I have unzipped my camera case in months! Further proof that this baby is kicking my butt.

3 years

It is nearing the end of August 26th here. We were blessed with 3.75 years with my sweet Christian and have now been 3 years without him.

It has been a very rough month emotionally. My dang diggity twitching left arm and leg have been driving me crazy. Christian has been on all of our minds more than usual, even for Austin and Noah who don't really associate August with sorrow.

The other night, Noah was sobbing in his room, new barrage of tears triggered by the memory of the moment when we told him that Christian was gone. I didn't know what to say... So I cried with him, holding him in my arms. It is hard being a big brother and not having your little brother around to play with or bother you.

He asked for a picture of Christian to keep in his room... I found an old Christmas postcard with our family picture for him to tape to his nightstand and he "borrowed" a picture from David's nightstand to place on top.

So much of this year is different from last year and that first year.

We are living halfway across the world.

We are anticipating the birth of a new Drews baby.

We have changed... I have changed.

Grief changes you forever. And when you trust God in your grief, He will walk with you and you will be changed for the better.

Will there still be tears? Absolutely! The hunger of loss cannot be satisfied this side of Heaven. It is a missing that goes unfulfilled. But there can still be JOY and you can walk with HOPE!

For those of you that are new in your grief journey, you will not always feel the way you feel right this very second. With God's help, it will get less hard! The laughter will return to your house and you will smile again. You won't ever forget your child, your friend, your husband... but in Jesus Christ, you will be comforted.

Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

-John 14:17-19

How do I feel today?

I. HAVE. PEACE.

I can't explain it, but I have an overwhelming peace in my heart. A few tears today, but no anguish. No despair. No hopelessness.

And I know it is because so many of you have been praying for me and my family!

THANK YOU. Thank you for your encouraging comments, emails, FB messages, and cards. Thank you for walking this road with me for the past three years. Thank you for remembering Christian.

I miss his mischief.

I miss his muscles.

I miss his mess.

Yes, it has been 3 years since the day that my sweet Christian died.

But it has also been 3 years to the day that he truly began to LIVE!

Three years of him being in the presence of our Creator, being with the One who knew him even before I did... Three years of him seeing the face of Jesus Christ, who died for me, for Christian, for you. Now I am three years closer to being with my littlest man again.

I miss you, Christian. I have been watching this video of you laughing today.

Listening to your chuckle makes my face break out into a big smile! The boys have their own room now... we have been wondering if you would've liked your own room or if you would've insisted on bunking with Austie or Boah. I guess you already know that you are a big brother. :-) I wonder if Jesus has told you whether you have a little brother or little sister? Even if this baby is a boy, you will still always be our littlest man.

I love you.

Mommy

10wks 4days and I am unfun.

How can something the size of a lime kick my butt so much?!

I have been the most un-fun aunt, mommy, wife, daughter and friend. Besides flying to New York, Texas, and back to Guam again, all I have done is eat, sleep, sleep, be nauseous, and lay around.

I barely have enough energy to scroll through FB on my phone.

But I did attempt a picture.

10 weeks, 4 days

Be honest, doesn't my belly look big?

I know I had a bigger belly to begin with than with any of my other pregnancies, but yowzers! So much for the "Your lower abdomen is probably just starting to protrude a bit now" that my WhatToExpect pregnancy app is telling me.

RANDOM PREGO THOUGHTS:

- I wonder how early this baby will arrive? I am due 2-22-12. Austin was 2 wks early, Noah 5 wks early, and Christian was 3 wks early.

- What I wish I could eat right now? A cold salad with thinly sliced ribeye steak (cooked medium, chilled) with balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Mayo is gross. Mustard and jalapenos are yum.

- I wonder how different labor will be at 36 years old compared to 29 years old when Christian was born. Anyone want to chime in with their own experience?

- Two delivery options here in Guam. The one hospital where you don't ever want to go when you're sick but people say it's okay to have a baby there... and a birthing center that offers pain management (I guess it's wishful thinking to think that means epidural?). My ob/gyn delivers at both... I am leaning towards birthing center since it would be more comfortable for my boys, but man, I did love my epidural with Christian! Never had it with Austin and wanted it but didn't get it with Noah.

Even though I am on my laptop in bed, it's time for me to rest again. Bleh. We are still living in the hotel... 2 months and counting... but our household goods should arrive on island tonight. A week to clear customs and then we are outta here! I can't wait to be settled, have a kitchen, our own space, that beautiful view...

Hey all you older moms or those that have a big gap of years between your kids (like you Heather!), any advice to share?