Saturday, January 2, 2010

My first gift of 2010

I have been so weepy of late. Melancholy. Tired. When I'm not crying, I am trying to keep from crying.

On top of that, I realized that this past year of 2009 began and ended without my Christian.

That just stinks like nobody's business, y'all!

Around 4am on January 1, 2010, I had a dream. A glorious one that I feared would end. Subject of that dream? Yup, Christian!

I was here at home and heard these noises-- quiet shooting sound effects like Christian would make (think semi-whispered pow pow pow). My heart raced with excitement! I knew he was gone from us and I recognized it was a dream-- and yet I knew that having him IN my dream was a gift from God! (In the past 16 months, I have had 4 dreams total about Christian.)

I walked toward the noises, heading into our kitchen/dining room area. It is there that I saw him!

He was standing there, slightly turned away from me. I KNEW IT WAS CHRISTIAN!!! He was wearing navy blue athletic pants and a gray turtle neck. His blonde hair was very short as if I had just given him a haircut (like here).

I was so excited when I saw him, but feared that he would disappear from right in front of me. I had to see his face, his bright blue eyes, his smile! SO I stepped closer and reached my hand out towards him.

And he didn't disappear!

All I could do was look at his face and then hold him close! He smiled. A quiet but happy smile.

It's funny but in my dream he had a little cut that was healing on his forehead, directly above his right eyebrow. It made me smile even more because that boy always had scrapes and bruises from all of his climbing, jumping and well, playing like a boy should play! :)

I held him out slightly in front of me so I could see him clearly again. Then I squeezed him close... again. I can still almost feel his soft skin, smell the shampoo in his hair, feel the squish of his belly and arms (he was skinny but still had that nice layer of baby fat-- dimply and perfect).

I thought again that he might disappear right in front of me. But he didn't.

Instead, I woke up.

I literally woke up praising and thanking God for this great gift! For this dream! For Christian not just being in my dream but in my life!

Thank you, precious Lord for giving me this dream, this GIFT! Your timing is perfect and your love overwhelms me.

I have told y'all before about God speaking clearly to me. This time He didn't use words, He used a dream, this very dream. One that my heart was yearning for but I could never create on my own, no matter how much I hoped and tried and begged! I wish I could make you understand exactly what I'm trying to say, exactly how God was showing me that HE LOVES ME. He has not forgotten my pain and sorrow. He has not forgotten my anguish. He has not forgotten my empty arms.

And He reminded me of the truth-- that all is not over.

I want to shout to everyone that Christian's real life has begun!

Like C.S. Lewis said, his life here in this world was but the cover and title page. Now he has begun Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read; which goes on for ever; in which every chapter is better than the one before.

Christian is in the place that he was created for. He is home!
Where will your home be? How will your story end?


Heidi said...

You are a gift to me :)


Lainie said...

Oh you got me good. Tearing up but rejoicing with you... and him. I can't wait to meet him.

Maranatha Lord Jesus!

Love you!

Annemarie said...

Crying and praising the Lord for His gift of your perfect dream. He is so good.

Praying for you, my friend!


Ruthanne said...

I wish I could give you a big hug, Marsha.

Sneaker Teacher said...

I am so glad you got that nice gift of seeing Christian in your dream.


A Stable Beginning said...

What a great gift for you!!!

beckypdj said...

I am rejoicing with you!!!! I know you miss him so much. I have been feeling Peyton's absence stronger these days too.

I am ready to see him and meet Christian!!!

Becca~CapturingSimpleJoys said...

Oh Marsha, sniffing and wiping tears off my cheeks. What a beautiful dream! Don't you know the Lord smiled and had great joy in giving that to you!!
One of the wonderful things about dreams is that they feel so real, you can touch, see and even smell in them! What a comfort.

rural momma said...

Marsha~~ My mother died in 2006 and it was a huge loss to me. God has given me clear dreams about her too, so I do some what understand. It is such a gift to really see the one you love. Praising God with you for His faithfulness. :o)

Michelle said...

What a beautiful gift! I pray that 2010 is filled with many more happy dreams about your sweet boy.


Christine said...

As soon as I read that you had a dream about Christian, tears filled my eyes and my breath was taken away. Sometimes I wish this life was a dream and that we would all wake up and Christian would be here. I do praise God that we will be living in our eternal home one day with our Savior and with Christian.

I could picture every minute of your dream in my mind. Thank you for sharing it with us. I sure miss him!!!

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!

Sisterlisa said...

((crying)) how sweet!!! I dream about my dad like that too, I can't imagine how elated you must have been to 'hold him' again.

Melissa Stover said...

i love that you get these special gifts, these dreams that bless you. i'm so thankful for that.

Anonymous said...

Oh I LOVE these gifts! I know EXACTLY what you mean! I've only had a few dreams of my mom where I've talked to her.

LOVE you Marsha!

Traci said...

Hi Marsha,
I've been such a lurker since your baby has gone to be home. I've popped in to 'check on you' from time to time to see how you're doing. I never know what to say. I guess this time I wanted you to know that I am always touched by your words and, I pray for you every time I think of you.
May this year be a year like no other, nestled deep in the arms of the Lord. Bless you sweet sister in Christ!

Kathryn said...

Oh what I would give for one of those too! I'm so glad God gave you this gift. How wonderful to get to see Christian, and for God to renew that peace in you, and knowledge that Christian is OK, and home!

RaD said...

Wow. That's all I can say... wow. What a wonderful gift from a wonderful God.

Leanne said...

God is good. He is a careful and kind Father Who gives such good gifts to His children. This dream evidences the fact that indeed, He cares about you and He has definitely not forgotten how your heart aches and how you arms feel so awkward now that they're empty....

Praise God that the dream comforted you. Praise God even more that you are of the attitude that it DID comfort. I'd be afraid, if God gave me a dream about Jane, that I would be so sad to see her go....

I love you!


Unknown said...

I have to admit, holding them one more time is a gift indeed!!! Much better than all the other "good" gifts we got! Praise The Lord! I've only had one dream about my Boaz, but there he was, smiling, and just being able to see his cute face so closely again........ I just can't describe it!

Anonymous said...

I will pray you remember that dream forever....hugs....and then...the dream won't be needed because you will see him again and he'll jump in your arms....and you can just love on him some more...not as a grown man...but as that perfect little guy...Hugs and lots of love dear friend... - Donna

Amico Dio said...

Oh Marsha!! That is so awesome that God gave you that gift. I can't imagine how wonderful it must have felt. I am so thankful that you got to see him! :)

love you!

Pajama Mama said...

Marsha, what a beautiful dream and wonderful gift! Hugs to you!!

Milk and Honey Mommy said...


Thank you so much. The dream God gave to you is so beautiful. I'm so glad that you got to see Christian's face and hold him close. I can only imagine how wonderful that must have been. It just makes His grace so much more apparent and reminds me that He hasn't left me and really does care about my joys and especially my sorrows.

Debra said...

He is with the shining ones now.

Rebecca said...

I too know the Lord like that, in dreaming, and through the tears of writing this comment I have nothing but praise to a God who loves us beyond all understanding. I am so deeply sorry for your loss it is a pain I cannot understand. Many blessing this year.

Janet said...

I, too, read you had another dream and immediately began tearing up. But what a beautiful dream! I praise God for speaking to you in a way that only He can do for His children.
I honestly cannot fathom the time that has gone since Christian left for his forever home. I so look forward to him story and mine and my Dad's and....Well, you know.
Praying and {{{hugs }}}