Thursday, April 29, 2010

the dozer and disappointments

The wheel is crooked and encrusted with dirt.

The dark spotted plastic won't come clean, even with pressure-washing.

You can't even roll it on the driveway anymore.

David put it out by the road for the garbage truck to cart away or for some fix-it person to pick up.

But then Noah came up to me in tears, almost unable to speak. He just couldn't bear for it to be tossed away.

"Why?" I asked. "The Wheel is about to fall off and you can't even push it straight anymore."

"Because it reminds me of Christian," he cried.

And so it continues to sit on this side of the gate until he is ready to let it go.

I wonder how many years it will take.

Austin and Noah often act like they are okay on the outside. I wish I knew the inner workings of their heart. I wish I could tell when they are having a sad day rather than just a bad day. But when my mommy eyes are blind to their hurts or don't see things in the right light, I am thankful that GOD SEES, GOD KNOWS.

One course of action that is always effective, one things that I DO know to do: PRAY!

I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue.
If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:
But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.

God has never failed me, not once! Even when His answers were not what I wished them to be, He has never left me, He has never forsaken me. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is trustworthy.

No matter what trial YOU are facing in your life, God waits for you to call to Him. He does not have us go through things to push us away from Him, but to draw us close to Him.

Sure, you can run. You can run far away for a very long time. But when you finally stop running and see where you are, you will find that your situation has not changed for the better. You heart is still broken and your wounds are still gaping.

I could go through life angry at God for Christian's death. But then what?
I would waste a lifetime in misery and bitterness and still not have Christian.

OR I can choose to keep following God. He knows where this path will lead (while I can barely see the step right in front of me). It doesn't mean that the path will be easy and level, but it does mean that peace can be had, that strength will be given, that joy can be attained! We can fight for it!

There is only One that can heal the broken hearted.

Whether you are struggling with your marriage, life, work (or lack thereof), broken promises, hurtful words, friendships, disappointments, or even bad weather... God is greater than ALL of those things!

Won't you let God steer your course? Won't you let Him heal your heart?

"There is no pit so deep, that He is not deeper still."
-Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place


Heather said...

I thank the Lord for you, Marsha; even though I don't know you. You write so beautifully and the scripture you chose gave me chills. You just shine the Light. Those two boys are so blessed to have the Lord guiding their mother. Keep courage.

Jac said...

Marsha, You are so right that only God can heal the broken hearted. They say, "The light that shines farthest, shines brightest at home." You must be one strong light to your little men. Saying a special prayer for them tonight. And that God would continue to give you wisdom and strength.

Beckypdj said...

I've watched the teenagers in my town over the last two years. I know there would have been alot of stuff they would have gone through whether we had lost Peyton or not. But sometimes I know the decisions they have made are because of the grief they have experienced. Some of them try to fill the hurt place with things they shouldn't. Some of them have no spiritual guidance at home, but they do have someone praying for them. :)

You know your boys, your spirit is sensitive to their needs. When you pray, He will tell you how to care for their hurt and He will show you ways to instruct them, ways how they can strengthen their spirit. It is a battle you will not lose.

Marsha, I believe these are words from God to you. He loves you so much.

Christine said...

I love you, Marshy! I love David, Austin and Noah too! I love Christian and I miss him so much! Please give the boys a hug and kiss from me and tell them I love them.

40winkzzz said...

that was really beautiful. i love the juxtaposition of the pictures and words and the story they tell together. the worn-out bulldozer is a reminder of our imperfect, broken lives here on earth. it's all we know, but it isn't all there is.

i remember when his blog name was dozer. i always wondered whether that was a reference to sleeping habits or personality or both. it still makes me smile.

Susan said...

Marsha, saying a prayer right now for your broken hearted little boys and for your strength to continually point them to Jesus.

Robyn | Add a Pinch said...

Beautifully written, but most importantly... beautiful felt.


Deedee said...

Marsha, I'm praying for your boys! My own two are the same ages as Austin and Noah (ie, Tank and Dash) and they asked why I was crying last year. I told them about Christian (I still think of his as Dozer). They asked about Austin and Noah and they still ask frequently how the two boys who lost their little brother are doing?

It really touched them, the thought of these two boys who suffered such a great loss. They have lost little brothers/sisters who they never met (my miscarriages) and couldnt' imagine loosing one who they had known for years!

Please send them a big hug from McGee and Monkey in England and from their Mom too! God will heal their hearts but they will always have a special place in them for the little brother they long to see again in heaven! ((((HUGS))))

livinginbetween said...

Hugs to you and your boys. How difficult it is for all . . . prayers that God will heal all your hearts as you continue to miss Christian.

My cousin passed away in October, and her ten year-old daughter is so calm on the outside. We ALL wonder how her heart really is. . .

Jennifer said...

I wonder if you could convert it into a special planter or something? Maybe the dump bucket part and/or the seat? Might be neat that way and still serve as a reminder of Christian but also as a positive visual for life and living or something like that. Just a thought.

Annemarie said...


Sometimes I am so ashamed at how I view that as the least thing that I can do, when in truth, it is the absolute most that I can do. To call on the One who has ultimate power and knowledge at His disposal? I need to meditate on this frequently. As in moment by moment.


H-Mama said...

Beautifully written. I can't imagine facing the daily reminders. Thank God for his comfort, healing and joy in times like these.

Sam said...

I would love to have your strength. Prayers.

kanishk said...

prayers that God will heal all your hearts as you continue to miss Christian.
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Pajama Mama said...

Marsha, once again, you have made me cry. Praying for you and your guys.

Jennifer said...

I have followed your story since you lost Christian. I love your honesty and faith - it is inspiring and humbling. My little guy, who will be 3 next week, looks much like your Christian. When I grumble and get frustrated with wrangling my guy, I often think of you and it humbles me. God bless you and your family.

Beth@Pages of Our Life said...


I think it's precious that he wants to keep it.

In our neck of the woods there is an entire garden with stuff like your "almost broke" dozer and it's beautiful. Maybe you can make it a piece of art for your garden..paint it..or not...and it could be your own sons memorial.

I don't know I just thought I would share.

A hug for you and your little man.


Wendy said...

I wish I had the right words...

So thankful that you kept the little tractor. I pray that God will continue to heal the hearts of your family.

Wendy said...

I read this post, commented, and then went to check on my friend's baby's blog. I believe you helped prepare my heart. Collin went to be with the Lord on Wednesday. I know you know their pain. Please lift them up in a prayer, as only someone in your shoes can.
And thank you. Thank you for helping me with this post, and so many others. I am sobbing now, and can't stop...but I know God is Good, and supports His children in the midst of their pain.

Anonymous said...

wowser...again...a moment of wisdom and a breath from the Lord through your writing...maybe that tractor can be part of a fun garden motif...or at least some piece of it...hugs -Donna